What If Wednesday #3: What If The Avengers Had Never Been?

Every Wednesday, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.


Well, I may have been a slight naysayer of the concept last week, but now? This was pretty awesome. It’s still obsessed with 1962 Marvel stories, despite being published in 1977, but this week’s issue has this emotional weight to it... I don’t know. Despite half of it’s cast being characters I am on record as saying suck ass (The Wasp and Ant Man/Giant Man/Goliath/Yellow Jacket/Hank Pym/god damn could you keep your name straight for two fucking weeks?), this issue really worked for me as a whole. Again, like issue 1, far from perfect, but at least someone fucking died this time, and trust me, as you will learn soon, RANDOMLY SLAUGHTERING CHARACTERS WITHOUT CONSEQUENCES IS BASICALLY THE ENTIRE POINT OF WHAT IF?. Lets get started.

Okay, so good news, the recap of Avengers #2-3 is only 3 pages long, so unlike last week, we jump in with the real story quickly. I haven’t read these issues yet, come back to me in a few months, but basically the plot is as follows: The Avengers (Iron Man, Thor, Ant/Giant Man, and the Wasp) were formed to stop a rampaging Hulk who was being controlled by Loki, Thor’s douchebag step-brother, who, if you’ve see the new Thor movie (and if you haven’t, what the fuck is wrong with you?), you know pretty much everything that goes wrong in Thor’s life is Loki’s fault. The Avengers stop Hulk, Loki is defeated, and Hulk joins the team....

… for like half a second, because the Hulk is a violent, super strong crazy green person. Hulk quits as soon as Iron Man asks him to wash the dishes or something, the Avengers go after him, Hulk and Namor team up for some reason, and the Avengers stop them from whatever. Namor goes and throws a chunk of ice in the ocean that secretly holds Captain America, the Avengers find it, and the rest is history.

Well, not in this universe, baby. Because here, just as the team is rushing off to stop a rampaging Hulk from leaving the team, Ant/Giant Man- certified asshole and future wife-beater- brings up the point that the team’s membership is voluntary, and they shouldn’t force the Hulk to stay on it. Thor agrees, and when Iron Man points out that “yeah, but, you know, giant super-strong green monster known for destroying whole cities, maybe we should keep him in check”, Thor rushes off in a huff, and Ant/Giant Man and Wasp leave too, mostly because they are fucked up individuals (see my review of Essential Ant Man for further information). Side note: I think it’s hilarious that as soon as the Wasp opens her mouth to voice an opinion, Giant/Ant Man shuts her up by saying “Quiet Jan, this is serious!”, and then they quit because (I swear to god I am not making this up) after hanging out with Thor, Iron Man, and the Hulk, Hank Pym realizes that “growing 12 feet tall isn’t that great a power. I’m not a big-leaguer!” That’s right, Giant Man quits the team because he doesn’t feel like enough of a man when compared to the other guys around him. Thank you, Dr. Pym, for once again proving me right about how much of an asshole you are. It always comes back to size with this guy, doesn’t it?

ANYWAY! After consulting with Hulk’s ersatz side-kick Rick Jones- mostly to remind us that when he’s not crazy, the Hulk has a teenaged side-kick named Rick Jones- Iron Man rushes off to stop the Hulk from rampaging. He fails miserably, but manages to get away alive. Hulk and Namor team-up just like in the real version, and challenge the Avengers to a fight at the Rock of Gibraltar. (Editor(me)’s Note: I haven’t read Avengers #3 yet, but finding out this fight is supposed to happen at friggin’ Gibraltar makes me even more excited for it. Wikipedia it if you don’t know where/what Gibraltar is. Short version, back before we knew the world wasn’t flat, Gibraltar was literally considered the end of the world, the last place before there was nothing but endless ocean beyond, and was also known as the Pillars of Hercules for reasons that are awesome. Explaining that one will take too much time, and I’m loosing my buzz as it is fact checking this shit, but from Wikipedia: “According to Plato's account, the lost realm of Atlantis was situated beyond the Pillars of Hercules, in effect placing it in the realm of the Unknown. Renaissance tradition says the pillars bore the warning Nec plus ultra (also Non plus ultra, "nothing further beyond"), serving as a warning to sailors and navigators to go no further.” So yeah. Awesome. End Greek Mythology rant.)

So yeah. Iron Man agrees, saying he and the (non-existent) Avengers will meet the pair there in two days. Iron Man’s kind of stupid here, I guess. Realizing he can’t beat Hulk AND the Sub-Mariner by himself, Iron Man builds new suits or armor, and tries to con Rick Jones, Giant Man, and Wasp into wearing them to fight the Hulk and maybe stop him. Not only that, but these armors are way better than his. Like, Rick’s armor can let him walk through walls and shit, and they all have features like that. Iron Man doesn’t think to update his armor, because, again, I guess he’s kind of stupid, despite being a genius. AND! Despite all that awesomeness, though, they politely decline, mostly because the only person insane enough and smart enough to work a suit of Iron Man armor is Tony Stark himself. (Oh, and War Machine. But he hadn’t been created yet.)

Rejected but refusing defeat, after getting juiced up on Super-Electricity or something, Iron Man goes and fights them both. And honestly? It is baller as hell. Iron Man loses, don’t get me wrong, but man, he gives these two a hell of a fight. There’s this awesome splash page of Iron Man literally frying the Hulk, and that’s before Subby throws Iron Man head first into the rock part of the Rock of Gibraltar. Iron Man lays dying, knowing he’s given his best, yet failed. All of the sudden, though, Rick, Giant Man, and Wasp show up in their Iron Man armors!

They start kicking ass, and Namor runs away like a little bitch (okay, not really, give me a sentence or two). Giant Man and Hulk duke it out, and Iron Giant Man is doing pretty well, but he’s forgotten something REALLY, REALLY IMPORTANT. The madder Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. So as Giant Man is kicking his ass, Hulk gets madder, and then he’s all “BITCHES BE TRIPPING!!!!” and hauls ass on Giant Man. Giant Man lies there, and Iron Man crawls over, and literally uses all the power in his suit AND body to power Giant Man’s armor (if you haven’t seen the movie, there’s basically a super battery in Iron’s Man’s heart keeping him alive, FYI). Giant Man is suddenly super powerful and takes down the Hulk for like 30 seconds.

Namor comes back from swimming a bit and attacks Rick. That’s bad, though, because the Hulk FINALLY realizes that it’s Rick in that armor, and goes to rescue his buddy, then attacks the Sub-Mariner. They go fight underwater, and our team of Rick Jones, Ant/Giant Man, and the Wasp mourn the death of Iron Man. End of issue.

So, there you have it. Iron Man will go down in history as the first character to die in a series that I PROMISE YOU will soon become known for being a comic book that viciously, horribly, and violently slaughters the characters that you (might) know and love, mostly because it could. Since the stories don’t really count, you know, why not? At this point, its not about shock value, and that actually shows. Iron Man dies because he’s a hero, and his sacrifice saves both the day and the life of Hank Pym (though I still think he’s a douche bag). And again, I wasn’t convinced when I learned the concept, but this is a pretty solid story, and Tony Stark’s death feels like it means something here. So bravo, mister Shooter(writer), and the always amazing Gil Kane (artist). I wasn’t sure at first, but this is pretty great.

Next week! What if The Invaders Had Stayed Together After World War II?*

* = The Invaders were a group of superheroes who fought in World War II. In case, you know, that title was too confusing for you.