What If Wednesday #2: What If the Hulk Had the Brain of Bruce Banner?

Stupid internet problems made this late. Sorry.

Every Wednesday, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.


Have you seen “The Incredible Hulk” movie? If you have, this review will probably make more sense. Not the Ang Lee monstrosity starring Eric Bana and Jennifer Connelly, I mean the more recent one with Ed Norton and Liv Tyler. If you haven’t, you should, as Edward Norton is seriously amazing in every thing he does. And Liv Tyler is okay, except that despite everything, I still can’t help but see her father’s face every time I see her, and that kind of cuts down on the general hotness. Anyway, Ed Norton by himself should make you want to see any movie, so watch it if you can.

ANYWAY! What If? time. Okay, so..... fuck. This is one weird ass comic, and you have officially been warned. It’s starts off okay, then gets pretty decent, and then takes a left turn into full out Crazytown, USA. Drunk or sober, I don’t think anyone, no matter how much or little comic history they knew could make heads or tails out of this. Like, I didn’t hate it, but I really don’t know where the end came from. You know. Like the last episode of the Sopranos, only angrier? I guess? Anyway, here we go.

Okay, so seriously, I gotta say, the first 6 or so pages of this book are bullshit. Basically, the Hulk- in ‘our’ universe- is being chased around by a bunch of cops he tries to escape from, because that’s pretty much the Hulk’s whole deal. That and smashing things. And then there’s a whole page spread of the Watcher’s GIGANTIC head while he pontificates about how he’s the Watcher and he watches everything and seriously, dude, WE FUCKING GET IT. We have to sit through all this before we even begin the actual story that readers 30 years ago spent 50 cents for. Seriously Marvel, what the hell?

Anyway, then the real story begins. We get a couple pages of the Hulk’s origin being rehashed, which I’d complain about, but actually, for people who haven’t read Hulk #1 (i.e. pretty much everyone reading this who isn’t me) it IS a convenient info-filling-in-athon, so... okay. Anyway, the Watcher basically creates a bullshit explanation for the Hulk to not be... you know... violent and stupid, and to keep his Banner-brain, but... whatever. It’s fine. It’s for the story, so I’m just going to go with it. Anyway, kind of like last week we get this weird rehash of Hulk #1, but instead of the Hulk punching the ugly commie scientist into submission, he sort of makes friends with him or something. Whatever. Since Bruce Banner/the Hulk isn’t constantly being chased by Betty Ross’ asshole-General dad(he is both an asshole and a General, that was a literal statement), she and Bruce/Hulk fall in love right away, instead of going back and forth for like 30 god damn years. Anyway, they get married, and Bruce Banner wears a purple tuxedo, mostly because he’s assuming he’ll turn into the Hulk at some point I guess? (Even though he doesn’t, what bullshit is this?)

Bruce and Betty soon get a call from Reed Richards, alias Mr. Fantastic of the Fantastic Four, and Banner goes and helps Reed to find a way to turn the Thing into regular old Ben Grimm. Apparently it works, and without their Jewish rock-monster clobberin’ expert, the FF disband. Reed and the Hulk team-up, which inadvertently means that the Avengers (Marvel Comic’s premiere super team and soon to be movie franchise) never form (the Avengers originally formed to stop the Hulk, cuz he was all violent and crazy and stuff). Since the Avengers never form, Captain America is never rediscovered (this isn’t in the comic, but is pretty damn significant for me as a comic book historian). Oh, and later Professor Charles Xaiver, founder of the X-Men (Patrick Stewart in a wheelchair), shows up to join Reed and Banner/Hulk, because I guess he thought it’d be easier than teaching a bunch of super-powered teenagers how to use their powers constructively. Nothing more is said about all the people who would normally become X-Men, so I assume at some point in this reality's future Jean Grey destroys the universe. (More on that in a latter column.)

The new team of nerds that is Reed Richards, Bruce Banner/Hulk, and Professor Xaiver are pretty great together, until Galactus shows up. For those who don’t know who Galactus is, he’s basically a space god (who loves purple) that eats planets for breakfast. Yes, you read that right. He EATS planets. And he’s come to Earth to eat ours.

Okay... now this is where things get WEIRD AS SHIT. Because, in order to defeat Galactus, the new Nerd Trio use the power of deus ex machina to combine themselves into a glowing, golden, underwear-wearing-exclusively superbeing called... wait for it.... the *groan* X-MAN. Now, I know that in the *real* universe, the FF defeated Galactus by the power of deus ex machina too... but... seriously... well... just listen, okay?

The X-MAN goes to where Galactus is, and he just... stares him down. No seriously, that’s it. They have a FUCKING STARING CONTEST, and Galactus pussies out and leaves the planet. That is how they save the world. And honestly? I’m not sure if that is awesome or boring as shit. I’m really not.

And then it just gets weirder. After Galactus leaves Earth out of boredom from the staring contest or whatever, the X-MAN (it really is always related in capital letters, I promise) reverts back to Reed, Banner, and Prof. X, except now they have no powers. And all of the sudden, Ben Grimm turns back into the Thing (I guess he sort of watched it all happen, whatever), except now he’s got the strength and mind of the Hulk too! And General Ross is now chasing him, and NONE OF THIS SHIT MAKES ANY SENSE AT ALL!

So.... yeah, I really do not get what the hell is going on in this comic, and keep in mind I’ve read pretty much every comic they reference in here. It’s not a complete train wreck, most of the middle I kind of like, but.... WHAT. I mean, at least it wasn’t boring, but even under the liberal parameters of “comic book science” I can not stress how ridiculous the endgame plot is, or how little sense it makes. All of the stuff I like about Betty and Bruce dealing with Bruce’s condition gets overridden by how bat-shit-crazy the ending is, and what the hell is going on with the Thing at the very end? Oy!

The comic isn’t completely shitty. It’s just completely insane, and not really in a good way.

Next week! What if the Avengers had Never Been? Which frankly, I thought we kind of covered this week, but hey, who am I to judge the work of writer Jim Shooter?*

*= Other than anyone who has actually read any of the work of Jim Shooter? And yes, that’s his real last name. Which is awesome. Some of his work? Not so much.