What If Wednesday #6: What If The Fantastic Four Had Different Super-Powers?

On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet: You’re welcome.

Eh. I know last week, I promised that this would be awesome, and frankly, the last 2 pages TOTALLY ARE. But the build up, leading to them? Not so much. Honestly, you could skip the first twenty or so pages of this book, and based on the title and cover alone, be aware of what is going on. This is a story where the FF have different powers. Until the very end, that’s it. That’s not just the hook, it’s the whole damn story. And it’s far from perfect.

Oy. It’s three in the morning, and the scotch I’m drinking isn’t old enough to vote yet. Therefore, I guarantee when I wake up tomorrow afternoon, I’m going to regret it. Let’s get this shit over with already. After four friggin’ pages of showing us the regular Fantastic Four fighting terrorists or something, Uatu (the Watcher, if you don’t know his real name) finally decides to get to the freaking point, and start talking about an alternate universe. Point of order, this isn’t an origin, or a quick “who they are and what they do” thing. This is four fucking pages of a battle that has no relevance to anything in the plot of this issue. 4 pages in a 32 page comic? Officially 1/8th of this comic is a waste of space. Officially.

ANYWAY! Uatu finally starts talking about the idea of the title, and then.... four more god damn pages of the ORIGINAL Fantastic Four origin. Seriously. THE FIRST FOURTH OF THIS COMIC IS SHIT THAT WE DON’T NEED, BECAUSE WE ALREADY KNOW. But in case you don’t know (I suppose, technically, I’ve never done a rundown of it in a What If article): Super-scientist Reed Richards, his best friend (and pilot) Ben Grimm, Reed’s girlfriend Susan Storm, and her punk ass brother Johnny go on an illegal space flight to, well, space, to beat the Russians in the space race. 1961 was a different time, people. Anyway, they get blasted by cosmic rays, land back on Earth, and have super powers. Reed is super stretchy, Susan can turn invisible, Johnny can turn into a flammy asshole, and Ben is the Thing, which is like the Hulk, but orange and rocky. If you need more info, check out my review of Essential Fantastic Four vol. 1, because I’m done explaining this shit.

So, in this universe, as the title suggests, the whole gang gets different powers. Ben grows a pair of dragon wings and can fly, which is pretty sweet. Johnny is turned into some kind of “living robot” (a quote from the comic, not my description), which is basically a more robot-like version of Colossus from the X-Men, I guess? Susan now has mainstream-Reed’s stretchy powers, and Reed explodes, turning into a talking, glowing brain (I’m not making this up, you know.). Thus, in this bizarre and mostly weird universe, the Fantastic Four are born!

Anyway, the FF stop a robbery which is perpetrated by some gargoyle-esque demon and his henchmen, we pull out to reveal that Doctor Doom was behind all of it! And that pisses Doom off big time, because that jewelry store robbery was... integral... to Doom’s... ah, fuck it. Doom’s just pissed off because “RICHARDDDDSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!” like usual. After ranting about Blackbeard’s treasure (Doom’s early adventures were kinda lame, okay?), Doom is left behind for two pages, so we can focus on one of Reed Richard’s most important characteristics in What If: moping about life being unfair. Using a serious of apparently hidden cameras, Reed checks in on Ben, who’s living it up; Johnny, who’s life isn’t as great as in our universe; and Sue, who plays with children, but who also has decided that marrying a floating brain isn’t such a great deal, so she’s thinking about hitching up with Ben. Suddenly, an intruder invades the Baxter Building! Reed-the-brain rushes to find him, only to reveal that it’s none-other than Dr. Doom!

In a show of altruism (which is probably part of his evil plan, but whatever), Doom tells Richards that he can make a robot body for him, so that, you know, he won’t just be a gross floating brain anymore. Richards refuses, not because he distrusts Doom, mind you, but because he’s grown “accustomed” (again, I’m quoting the actual goddamn comic) to being a gross floating brain. People, seriously, Reed Richards is an unstable individual.

Reed’s all like “it sure is great being an awesome brain super scientist!” until Doom grabs another (I assume?) invisible camera to show Sue cuddling up to Ben. Reed quickly FREAKS THE FUCK OUT, and is easily convinced by Doom that Doom can save his crappy relationship, when “Mandroid” Johnny shows up and everything turns to hell. Also, the trap that Doom has tricked Reed-the-living-brain into floating into? He calls it the “Cerebro Shield”, so I guess it’s some sort of anti-Professor X technology? I guess? Anyway, Reed’s trapped in it, and can’t talk to his teammates, while Doom whips Johnny’s metal ass. After defeating Johnny, Doom takes Reed-the-brain captive, and heads to his homeland of Latveria. Why doesn’t Doom just straight up kill Richards and Johnny right now, and be done with it? Because this is comics, everybody. Stop asking so damn many questions.

Ben and Sue find Johnny in ruble, and because Doom foolishly named dropped who he is, Ben realizes who was here and retells Doom’s origin. I know, I know, I haven’t explained that in a What If Wednesday yet, but fuck it. I guarantee, if you don’t know, there will be a MUCH BETTER time to explain it. Possibly in episode 22, “What If Doctor Doom Had Become a Hero?”? This is just a thought. So, uh, if you don’t know who Doctor Doom is, despite 50 years of comics history, multiple cartoons and video games, and 2 (really 3) movies.... wikipedia it, okay?

Ben, Sue, and Johnny, high tail it for Latveria. Meanwhile, Reed-the-brain finds out Doom’s big plan is to use him to power his time machine, to steal Blackbeard’s treasure, which, at this point, can I just call schenanigans and assume this isn’t really Doom but actually a Doombot? Cuz this plot is stupid. Anyway, the rest of the FF show up to wreck up the place, and I’d like to pause for a moment, because watching Sue Storm have Mr. Fantastic’s powers is... well, disturbing. I mean, Reed’s faux-Plastic Man powers have always been weird, but seriously, when you add the aspect of the female form to the equation, it gets just down right awkward. I’m not trying to be sexist, I swear, but there are some scenes here where all you can assume based on simple anatomy is that Susan is smothering guards with her breasts. And honestly, that makes me uncomfortable...

Anyway, the team escapes Doom’s deathtraps and such, and start fighting with the man himself. Reed’s apparently psychic powers attack Doom, but Doom still manages to put up a hell of a fight for the FF. In fact, after mostly beating all of them, Doom blows off Johnny’s entire arm... which some how damages his armor pretty seriously. I’m real shy on details, here, not just because of the scotch, but frankly because said details are awfully sketchy. Doom takes down (in a non-fatality kind of way) Johnny once and for all, only to be attacked by Susan’s incredibly inflatable breasts. They wrestle for a page, and then Doom proves himself the equal of all the other three FF, so much so that he’s feeling like King Shit of Turd Mountain. Now victorious, he goes to blow up Reed-the-brain (or something), but wait! Reed is SO PISSED OFF, that he starts mentally attacking Doom! And as Doom hits the “Blow Up Reed-The-Brain” Button, Reed attacks! In the ensuing chaos, Doom has been left brain death, with Reed taking over his body! And thus, a new Fantastic Four is born, led by (Reed’s brain in) Dr. Doom(‘s body)! And thus, does our tale end! (The new Red-Sue-Ben love triangle remains unresolved, I should point out.)

So.... end result? Awesome. Dr. Doom now leads the team, only he’s really Reed in Doom’s body. That’s some high concept cool shit. Getting there? Somewhat less than. I don’t know, I just have trouble with the whole “Reed Richards is nothing but a brain” thing. Again, this ending rules. But, I knew how this was going to end before I read it (thanks to Gavok at 4th Letter, who, frankly, this entire column owes a debt of gratitude too..), and the end sounded awesome. And it was! But the middle? ...Eh. Not exactly a masterpiece.

But hey, this is more evidence for the “Reed Richards is an unstable crazy person” school of thought, so there’s that, right? And seeing Reed in Doom’s armor (in 1977, before everyone else had done it)? Pretty sweet, I must say.

Next week! What If Someone Else had Become the Amazing Spider-Man? I’m not sure, but maybe it’ll be like Andrew Garfield taking over for Toby Maguire? Or something? Anyway! See you next time!