Justin and Kiri Talk Theatre: Romeo and Juliet
Justin and Kiri have a lot in common, probably because they’re brother and sister. One of those things is that they were both theatre kids. The big difference, though, is that in college Kiri went on to major in theatre, and Justin went on to major in reading comic books and playing Final Fantasy VII. This leads to some... colourful debates.
KIRI: Today we’re going to talk about Shakespeare’s classic tragedy, Romeo and Juliet.
JUSTIN: I don’t want to do this, Kiri.
KIRI: What do you mean?
JUSTIN: I don’t... I’m not talking about this fucking play.
KIRI: Don’t leave me hanging here, Jay.
JUSTIN: But Romeo and Juliet suuuuuccckkkksssssssss!
KIRI: Yes! I know!
JUSTIN: Then why are we talking about it? Because it sssuuuccccckkkssssss!!!
KIRI: We’re talking about it to prove to everyone that the entire planet has the story all wrong, and that they’re all missing the entire point of the story.
JUSTIN: Grumble.
KIRI: Also... it’s the first of these articles, and I thought we should do something everyone is sort of familiar with. Also, Hamlet’s plot is kind of involved.
JUSTIN: Your mom’s plot is involved!
KIRI: … I don’t know whether I should respond to that or not. It would probably just encourage you.
JUSTIN: Whatever, let’s just get this stupid thing over with. So, the play is set in Verona, a particularly violent part of Little Italy, especially in the 1920s, when this play takes place. There are these two rival mafia families, and-
KIRI: That is not where or when the play is set, and there are no mafia families. Stop trying to screw this up.
JUSTIN: I’m not. I am totally serious!
KIRI: *glares*
JUSTIN: Look, if you were going to do a revamp of Romeo and Juliet without all the frilly bullshit, and you knew you couldn’t get Harold Perrineau for-
KIRI: The guy from Oz?
JUSTIN: Yes, the guy from Oz.
"AKA the movie’s saving grace"
JUSTIN: So, if you were doing a modern revamp without Harold Perrineau, setting it as a mafia piece in the 1920s would be totally perfect!
KIRI: … I hate you, but that’s actually a really good idea.
JUSTIN: I know. So, there are these two mob families, the Montagues and the Capulets, and shit do these guys hate each other.
KIRI: The play opens with a full out street brawl! You should totally be into it!
JUSTIN: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yes, it opens with a street brawl. And yes, I genuinely really like the “Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?” back and forth. It is genuinely witty.
KIRI: See? And you said you hated this play.
JUSTIN: Liking selected dialogue does not equal liking the play as a whole. Anyway, there’s a gang-war flair up, until The Man shows up and the fighting stops. Anyway, two of the dudes shooting Tommy Guns at each other are Benvolio and Tybalt, who are, respectively, Romeo and Juliet’s cousins.
KIRI: You are getting oddly specific in your ‘modern interpretation’ description.
JUSTIN: Quiet, you. Benvolio goes to tell Romeo all about the sweet street brawl, but Romeo is being a total buzzkill because some chick named Rosaline dumped him. Despite never being actually seen in the fucking play, Romeo will continue to bitch and moan about this girl until halfway into Act 2.
KIRI: Are we skipping to the party scene already?
JUSTIN: What? No, of course not. We have to do Act 1 Scene 4 first.
KIRI: Again, you are getting oddly specific about something you supposedly hate.
JUSTIN: Silence! I’m synopsifying! Romeo continues to be an annoying, whiny child-
KIRI: Well, he is something like 14.
JUSTIN: When finally, our leading man finally enters, Mercutio!
KIRI: ...
JUSTIN: … What? Aren’t you going to complain that Mercutio isn’t actually the leading character, at least according the pesky things like “the script” and “scholarly analysis”?
KIRI: Actually, no, I’m totally with you on that.
JUSTIN: … Oh. Alright then. Mercutio is a totally sweet dude, who may be a little crazy, or possibly a drug dealer or something.
KIRI: You’re thinking about the Oz guy again.
JUSTIN: Probably. Anyway, tired of Romeo bitching all the time, he says some sweet stuff like “If love be rough with you, be rough with love; Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.” So you know he is all about S & M, which is clearly shorthand for “I’m a badass”.
KIRI: That’s not what he’s actually trying to say. Also, how does saying “I like rough sex” make someone a badass?
JUSTIN: I think the more important question, Kiri, is how could it not?
KIRI: That-
JUSTIN: So Mercutio really wants Romeo to stop complaining about his break up with little miss does-not-appear-in-the-play, and tells him as much by making one of the most awesome speeches Shakespeare ever wrote.
KIRI: You’re not going to recite the entire Queen Mab speech, are you?
JUSTIN: No, but only because I am a gentleman, and also because that fucker is like a page and a half long. Suffice it to say, it is pretty rad, and also the ultimate proof that Mercutio is completely insane.
KIRI: Just like all of Shakespeare’s best protagonists.
JUSTIN: Hamlet, Lear, Othello, Richard III, Mac-
KIRI: THE LEAD CHARACTER IN THE SCOTTISH PLAY. Dumbass.
JUSTIN: Nice save, and my bad. Anyway, Mercutio also invites Romeo to come along with him to this party he’s going to at the rival gang’s house, but it’s a masked ball or something, so it’s cool. And we’re on to Act 2.
KIRI: What about the scenes at the Capulet house in Act 1?
JUSTIN: Jesus, Kiri, they’re getting ready for a party. Who cares? No one gives a shit about the preparations, they just want to skip to the party.
KIRI: But these scenes introduce Paris, and that’s the actual party scene, and the love-
JUSTIN: NO ONE CARES. Act 2!
KIRI: *Sigh.* So Mercutio sneaks Romeo and Benvolio into the Capulet’s party. I should probably point out, because Justin didn’t, that Romeo is actually the son of the head of the Montagues, and Juliet is the daughter of Lord Capulet.
JUSTIN: If the audience didn’t know that going in, I just do not fucking care. And also, how the hell did they pass Freshman English?
KIRI: A valid point.
JUSTIN: Also, despite going to a sweet party, Romeo is still crying over his invisible ex-girlfriend at this point.
KIRI: He is, yes.
JUSTIN: “If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark.”
KIRI: Stop getting a boner for Mercutio’s dialogue. Pretty much nothing happens in 2-1, other than Romeo for some reason hiding from his friends in the Capulet’s gardens.
JUSTIN: This is never really explained, other than the fact that he is a whiny bitch.
KIRI: I’d argue with him, but he’s mostly right. In Scene 2, Romeo is stumbling through the gardens, avoiding his friends and feeling sorry for himself, when suddenly Juliet appears, and he falls head over heels for her INSTANTLY.
JUSTIN: This is because he is a stupid 14 year old. I was once a 14-year-old boy too, and they will fall madly in love with every vaguely hot chick they see. Science fact.
KIRI: He goes into all kinds of ridiculous, mushy soliloquies over Juliet, despite being madly in love with Rosaline 20 minutes earlier.
JUSTIN: May I ask a question?
KIRI: You just did.
JUSTIN: How is it that Juliet recognizes that it’s Romeo who’s trying to sneak a peak up her dress? Like, have they met before, and just not gotten boner crazy or something?
KIRI: Have they met- You... Did you even read Act 1 Scene 5?
JUSTIN: The what now?
KIRI: The central party scene that has set the entire love story of the play? That also sets up the rivalry between Romeo and Tybalt?
JUSTIN: Was Mercutio in it?
KIRI: No, he wasn’t.
JUSTIN: Then probably not.
KIRI: It’s central to the entire play!
JUSTIN: Look, I’ve seen the movie, and I’ve read all the cool parts, but Kiri, I seriously only care about one character in this play, and he is Mercutio.
KIRI: The party scene was in the movie!
JUSTIN: Well, I don’t know what scene number it was! Look, I know the basics of the damn plot, but when it comes to reading this horseshit, I basically am just skimming the scenes until Mercutio shows up, and it is precisely at that point when I start actually reading, okay?
KIRI: Justin, I don’t like the play any more than you do, but you can’t just call a work by English’s greatest writer “horseshit”.
JUSTIN: A Winter’s Tale?
KIRI: Justin.
JUSTIN: The Merry Wives of Windsor?
KIRI: JUSTIN.
JUSTIN: Measure for Measure?
KIRI: JUSTIN!!!!!
JUSTIN: I’m just saying, even Spielberg made “1941”. (Also, “War of the Worlds” and “Indiana Jones 4”.)
KIRI: I like ‘1941’.
JUSTIN: And you’re a dirty slut.
KIRI: …Romeo and Juliet fall in love instantly, because as Justin has pointed out, they are idiot teenagers.
JUSTIN: Technically, Juliet’s only a ‘tween’, because she’s actually 12.
KIRI: Agreed. Seriously, can we stop talking about the balcony scene? Every shitty romance novel ever has probably quoted it, and it is nothing but sentimental ridiculousness.
JUSTIN: I have no problem with that. Romita and Juliet agree to marry each other. Like, tomorrow, and otherwise, fuck this scene.
KIRI: You said ‘Romita’, not Romeo.
JUSTIN: I did? Maybe that’s because the only way I’d care about this scene is if famous Spider-Man and romance comics artist John Romita was drawing it.
See, if Romeo and Juliet looked more like this, I’d actually give a shit about it.
KIRI:.... Moving on, in Scene 3, Romeo goes and visits Friar Laurence, who is apparently the local Friar, and the go between for Romeo and Juliet.
JUSTIN: He is also a man who apparently sees no problem with secretly marrying the children of two rival mafia families after meeting only the day prior.
KIRI: Stop giving away the plot. But yes, this is the scene where Romeo asks Friar Laurence to marry him and Juliet. Sort of.
JUSTIN: He doesn’t exactly agree to do it here, does he?
KIRI: I thought you just skimmed over this part?
JUSTIN: You got offended last scene, so I’m trying to skim better. But he never actually says yes.
KIRI: He agrees to help him...
JUSTIN: Quote: “ROMEO: Thou chid'st me oft for loving Rosaline. FRIAR LAURENCE: For doting, not for loving, pupil mine.”
KIRI: Stop quoting out of context! Yes, he says that, but at the end of the scene he says “In one respect I'll thy assistant be; For this alliance may so happy prove, To turn your households' rancour to pure love”.
JUSTIN: *ahem* “Is Rosaline, whom thou didst love so dear, So soon forsaken? Young men's love then lies Not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.”
KIRI: Ugh. Scene 4.
JUSTIN: No, I wanna talk about this. Laurence is totally in on the fact that Romeo is just a horny teenager, right?
KIRI: I... Okay, yeah, probably.
JUSTIN: Yet, he’s hatching a plan to have these two moronic teenagers who met LAST NIGHT get married, in the name of uniting their households.
KIRI: Congratulations, you understand the plot. In your own words, he’s trying to stop a gang-war.
JUSTIN: So he’s a manipulative jackass, and thus the play’s true villain!
KIRI.... WHAT.
JUSTIN: This dude, a man of the cloth nonetheless, is well aware that Romeo is just a stupid teenager thinking with his dick instead of his brain. He’s in on the joke. But despite that, he agrees to marry these two stupid kids, which ultimately leads to their deaths. If he had just said “Stop thinking with your dick, you stupid kid” and smacked Romeo in the back of his head, Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have killed themselves, thus avoiding the tragedy.
KIRI: He was... he was trying to avoid a gang-war?
JUSTIN: Holy shit, I’m totally right!
KIRI: Oy! Whatever, Scene 4.
JUSTIN: God damn, I am so awesome.
KIRI: And so humble. Anyway. Mercutio is actually in this scene, so you really read it, right?
JUSTIN: Of course. “Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with a white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?”
KIRI: So apparently Tybalt has sent a letter to Romeo challenging him because Tybalt figured out Romeo was at the Capulet’s party and Mercutio doesn’t think Romeo is up to the challenge.
JUSTIN: Because Romeo is a whinny momma’s boy. And probably a coward. “More than prince of cats, I can tell you-”
KIRI: Stop it, this is my act to review.
JUSTIN: “Without his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!”
KIRI: Sigh. Romeo comes back from the gardens, and he and Mercutio have a hilarious witticism contest.
JUSTIN: “I will bite thee by the ear for that jest”
KIRI: Seriously. Getting annoying. Mercutio and the Nurse get into a vague argument that no one cares about, and they all leave.
JUSTIN: The Nurse is basically Juliet’s nanny.
KIRI: Which they’d know if we’d talked about the Act 1 Capulet scenes.
JUSTIN: Fuck you too, Kiri.
KIRI: Scene 5 serves little point, beyond Juliet and the Nurse bonding over thoughts of Romeo.
JUSTIN: Agreed.
KIRI: And Scene VI has Friar Laurence marry the two children to avert further gangland violence. I guess.
JUSTIN: Ethics? We don’t need no stinkin’ ethics!
KIRI: You’re not as funny as Mel Brooks, no matter how hard you try. So, I guess.... Act 3?
JUSTIN: Awesome. Because Scene 3-1 is the best fucking scene in this fucking play. So, Mercutio and Benvolio are hanging out, right, just chillin’ at the speakeasy, because remember, it’s the 1920’s in Little Italy, and that is what you do when you work for gangsters in the 1920’s.
KIRI: You are such an idiot.
JUSTIN: Just then, Tybalt kicks the door in, because like most of the cast, he’s an asshole. Mercutio provokes the shit out of this twat-
KIRI: Justin, don’t say “twat”.
JUSTIN: -mostly because he is a witty motherfucker, and none are safe against his wittiness.
KIRI: Mercutio’s entire character concept is he has a way with words, and has a mercurial temper, in case you hadn’t figured that out.
JUSTIN: Romeo enters, and Tybalt decides to go bitch at him instead of Mercutio, mostly because none can withstand Mercutio’s rapier-wit.
KIRI: Aren’t you the guy who hates this play?
JUSTIN: Yes. But I also think Mercutio is one of Shakespeare’s top five best characters.
KIRI: … Fair enough.
JUSTIN: Tybalt, the second most interesting character in the show-
KIRI: We haven’t talked much about Tybalt, have we?
JUSTIN: I guarantee that is about to change.
KIRI: You know, if we’d done Scene 1-5-
JUSTIN: Stop talking about Act 1 Scene 5! Tybalt then proceeds to say the single greatest line in the play that isn’t spoken by Mercutio: “Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford No better term than this,--thou art a villain.”
KIRI: That's... Really?
JUSTIN: There is no way that line isn’t awesome.
KIRI: Just because he calls him a villain?
JUSTIN: THAT’S WHY IT IS AWESOME! Think about it, calling someone an asshole or a douchebag, that’s just saying that someone is a hole that people poop out of or a container of water that will later be shoved up into someone’s colon.
KIRI: That’s not really a positive thing. Nor is that where a douchebag goes…
JUSTIN: Of course not, but think of the word “villain”. No matter how you cut it, a villain is an antagonist. A badguy. The EXACT opposite of what Romeo is supposedly supposed to be in HIS OWN DAMN PLAY. Tybalt is actually calling out Romeo for being the bullshit protagonist that he truly is. In the middle of the damn play that is named after him!
KIRI: You realise that Shakespeare invented the idea that ‘villian’ is an insult, right? In his time, it just meant that the person in question lived in a villa.
JUSTIN: You’re just jealous that I give such an amazing analysis of the play and am so incredibly handsome.
KIRI:... Have you been drinking?
JUSTIN: Yes I have.
KIRI: I’m going to hurt you.
JUSTIN: So Tybalt wants to fight Romeo. Romeo doesn’t want to fight Tybalt, because he just married Tybalt’s cousin Juliet, and also he is a coward. Mercutio calls bullshit on this, and decides to duel Tybalt himself. And by duel, I mean shoot tommy guns at him, because remember, it’s the 1920s. Romeo is okay with this, because again, coward, so having his friends fight for him is awesome. Tybalt gets a lucky shot in, mostly because tommy guns are automatic, and he fatally wounds Mercutio before Mercutio can get off a shot.
KIRI: I know I shouldn’t enjoy this, but Romeo and Juliet with tommy guns sounds way more interesting than the script.
JUSTIN: I know, right? Tybalt flees, cuz, you know, gang-war and the police and what not, and Mercutio lays dying in Romeo’s arms.
KIRI: You’re not going to quote every line Mercutio says as he dies, are you?
JUSTIN: No. Because again, GENTLEMAN. But they are all awesome. As he dies, Mercutio curses both the Capulets and the Montagues, which I’m sure is not a dramatic turning point, foreshadowing the end of the play.
KIRI: It totally is.
JUSTIN: It totally is. Finally showing some fucking balls, Romeo is SO ANGRY about Tybalt killing Mercutio, that he hunts down Tybalt and slays him. Thus does our tale end: Romeo realized all too late the importance of his friendship with Mercutio, and he slays the murderer out of revenge.
KIRI: That’s not how the play ends.
JUSTIN: I beg to differ.
KIRI: This is a five act play. You quit in Act 3 Scene 1. There are 4 more scenes in this act alone.
JUSTIN: Who cares? The protagonist was killed, and then avenged. End of the god damn story.
KIRI: I know that you know the play doesn’t end here.
JUSTIN: True. But the end of my “giving a shit” does. Christ, Kiri, the only character (Mercutio) I really cared about is dead, and the only character I have a vague interest in (Tybalt) is dead after killing the character I routed for. Seriously, this is the perfect place for an intermission, so that I can leave and not care about the other characters.
KIRI: You are not leaving me to finish this show.
JUSTIN: No, really, I am. Because the rest of this play is bullshit.
KIRI: You have a valid point, but it’s wrong. But I can’t demonstrate that unless we finish the play!
JUSTIN: *sardonic look* Fine. But you better end this shit quickly, because I seriously want to just quit here and look at porn or something.
KIRI: Okay, short version from here out. Romeo gets exiled from Verona because he killed Tybalt.
JUSTIN: You mean Little Italy.
KIRI: Be quiet! Before leaving for the desert or whatever, he sneaks into the Capulet house to consummate his marriage to Juliet.
JUSTIN: I know when I get exiled, the first thing on my mind is getting laid.
KIRI: Romeo then flees. Juliet’s dad decides she needs to marry Paris-
JUSTIN: aka Mister Forgettable.
KIRI: Which causes much upheaval in the Capulet household, since Juliet is secretly married
JUSTIN: (And consummated)
KIRI: to Romeo.
JUSTIN: (Damaged goods, everyone...)
KIRI: Chauvinist. Juliet tries to keep this marriage from happening, but her parents are abusive, so that’s a no-go. Juliet goes to Friar Laurence, who, ugh, if you remember is responsible for all this bullshit. He gives her a drug to basically simulate being dead for two days.
JUSTIN: The Catholic Church, everyone!
KIRI: Laurence sends a message to Romeo to let him know what’s going on, but Romeo never gets the message, because the messenger, who is apparently as drunk as Justin, tells Romeo that Juliet is really dead.
JUSTIN: Turns out that the game “Telephone” is a pretty shitty way to convey a message.
KIRI: Romeo returns to Verona just as Juliet’s funeral is wrapping up, kills Paris-
JUSTIN: Oh right, that forgettable character no one cares about.
KIRI: - and proceeds to poison himself while lying next to Juliet’s corpse. Then, as he dies, Juliet wakes up, sees that Romeo is dead, and then stabs herself with Romeo’s dagger because she can’t live without him. And.... everyone who isn’t dead learns an important lesson, apparently?
JUSTIN: See! This play is retarded!
KIRI: That’s insensitive, and also you are wrong.
JUSTIN: Much like the Fonze, I don’t know what that word means, at least when it is referencing me.
KIRI: No, see, you’re right about Mercutio being the character who is the central protagonist.
JUSTIN: Obviously! Tybalt’s a douche, Laurence is a manipulative asshole, and everyone else is lame as fuck.
KIRI: But this play isn’t about the protagonist.
JUSTIN: That.... wait.
KIRI: This is a play about how stupid our emotions make us, and about how stupid teenagers are.
JUSTIN: ...I refuse to tell you that you’re right.
KIRI: This play happens over the course of four days. These stupid god damn teenagers, meet, fall in “love”, decide to get married, and then their rash and ridiculous decisions lead to their deaths. In four days. This is not a play about unrelenting love like everyone on the planet thinks it is. This is a play about how EVERYONE WAS STUPID AS HELL WHEN THEY WERE TEENAGERS.
JUSTIN: … I’m intrigued.
KIRI: Shakespeare wrote it around the same time that he was writing Midsummer: a play about sudden shifts in emotion and devotion. Again, the central characters are teenagers, looking to get laid. If anything, this is his period of social critique concerning the fickleness of youth.
JUSTIN: Go on.
KIRI: That’s.... That’s it. Do you really need to me to explain this further?
JUSTIN: Well, not really, because yeah, that’s pretty spot on. But we’re, like, 13 pages in, you can’t just be done now. Our readers will feel like this was a whole bunch of build up to nothing.
KIRI: That’s not my fault. This is a shitty play after Act 3 Scene 1. I’m just saying, everyone has the wrong thoughts on what the play is about.
JUSTIN: … You’re a bitch, you know that?
KIRI: Yeah, well, you’re a prick.
JUSTIN: And yet, I had fun with this.
KIRI: We should do Lear next!
JUSTIN: Eye-gouging is always entertaining!
*If you, the audience, have suggestions, please let us know. We may or may not listen, because, honestly, your opinion means mostly nothing to us. But if it doesn’t suck, maybe we’ll talk about it?*
KIRI: Today we’re going to talk about Shakespeare’s classic tragedy, Romeo and Juliet.
JUSTIN: I don’t want to do this, Kiri.
KIRI: What do you mean?
JUSTIN: I don’t... I’m not talking about this fucking play.
KIRI: Don’t leave me hanging here, Jay.
JUSTIN: But Romeo and Juliet suuuuuccckkkksssssssss!
KIRI: Yes! I know!
JUSTIN: Then why are we talking about it? Because it sssuuuccccckkkssssss!!!
KIRI: We’re talking about it to prove to everyone that the entire planet has the story all wrong, and that they’re all missing the entire point of the story.
JUSTIN: Grumble.
KIRI: Also... it’s the first of these articles, and I thought we should do something everyone is sort of familiar with. Also, Hamlet’s plot is kind of involved.
JUSTIN: Your mom’s plot is involved!
KIRI: … I don’t know whether I should respond to that or not. It would probably just encourage you.
JUSTIN: Whatever, let’s just get this stupid thing over with. So, the play is set in Verona, a particularly violent part of Little Italy, especially in the 1920s, when this play takes place. There are these two rival mafia families, and-
KIRI: That is not where or when the play is set, and there are no mafia families. Stop trying to screw this up.
JUSTIN: I’m not. I am totally serious!
KIRI: *glares*
JUSTIN: Look, if you were going to do a revamp of Romeo and Juliet without all the frilly bullshit, and you knew you couldn’t get Harold Perrineau for-
KIRI: The guy from Oz?
JUSTIN: Yes, the guy from Oz.
"AKA the movie’s saving grace"
JUSTIN: So, if you were doing a modern revamp without Harold Perrineau, setting it as a mafia piece in the 1920s would be totally perfect!
KIRI: … I hate you, but that’s actually a really good idea.
JUSTIN: I know. So, there are these two mob families, the Montagues and the Capulets, and shit do these guys hate each other.
KIRI: The play opens with a full out street brawl! You should totally be into it!
JUSTIN: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, yes, it opens with a street brawl. And yes, I genuinely really like the “Do you bite your thumb at me, sir?” back and forth. It is genuinely witty.
KIRI: See? And you said you hated this play.
JUSTIN: Liking selected dialogue does not equal liking the play as a whole. Anyway, there’s a gang-war flair up, until The Man shows up and the fighting stops. Anyway, two of the dudes shooting Tommy Guns at each other are Benvolio and Tybalt, who are, respectively, Romeo and Juliet’s cousins.
KIRI: You are getting oddly specific in your ‘modern interpretation’ description.
JUSTIN: Quiet, you. Benvolio goes to tell Romeo all about the sweet street brawl, but Romeo is being a total buzzkill because some chick named Rosaline dumped him. Despite never being actually seen in the fucking play, Romeo will continue to bitch and moan about this girl until halfway into Act 2.
KIRI: Are we skipping to the party scene already?
JUSTIN: What? No, of course not. We have to do Act 1 Scene 4 first.
KIRI: Again, you are getting oddly specific about something you supposedly hate.
JUSTIN: Silence! I’m synopsifying! Romeo continues to be an annoying, whiny child-
KIRI: Well, he is something like 14.
JUSTIN: When finally, our leading man finally enters, Mercutio!
KIRI: ...
JUSTIN: … What? Aren’t you going to complain that Mercutio isn’t actually the leading character, at least according the pesky things like “the script” and “scholarly analysis”?
KIRI: Actually, no, I’m totally with you on that.
JUSTIN: … Oh. Alright then. Mercutio is a totally sweet dude, who may be a little crazy, or possibly a drug dealer or something.
KIRI: You’re thinking about the Oz guy again.
JUSTIN: Probably. Anyway, tired of Romeo bitching all the time, he says some sweet stuff like “If love be rough with you, be rough with love; Prick love for pricking, and you beat love down.” So you know he is all about S & M, which is clearly shorthand for “I’m a badass”.
KIRI: That’s not what he’s actually trying to say. Also, how does saying “I like rough sex” make someone a badass?
JUSTIN: I think the more important question, Kiri, is how could it not?
KIRI: That-
JUSTIN: So Mercutio really wants Romeo to stop complaining about his break up with little miss does-not-appear-in-the-play, and tells him as much by making one of the most awesome speeches Shakespeare ever wrote.
KIRI: You’re not going to recite the entire Queen Mab speech, are you?
JUSTIN: No, but only because I am a gentleman, and also because that fucker is like a page and a half long. Suffice it to say, it is pretty rad, and also the ultimate proof that Mercutio is completely insane.
KIRI: Just like all of Shakespeare’s best protagonists.
JUSTIN: Hamlet, Lear, Othello, Richard III, Mac-
KIRI: THE LEAD CHARACTER IN THE SCOTTISH PLAY. Dumbass.
JUSTIN: Nice save, and my bad. Anyway, Mercutio also invites Romeo to come along with him to this party he’s going to at the rival gang’s house, but it’s a masked ball or something, so it’s cool. And we’re on to Act 2.
KIRI: What about the scenes at the Capulet house in Act 1?
JUSTIN: Jesus, Kiri, they’re getting ready for a party. Who cares? No one gives a shit about the preparations, they just want to skip to the party.
KIRI: But these scenes introduce Paris, and that’s the actual party scene, and the love-
JUSTIN: NO ONE CARES. Act 2!
KIRI: *Sigh.* So Mercutio sneaks Romeo and Benvolio into the Capulet’s party. I should probably point out, because Justin didn’t, that Romeo is actually the son of the head of the Montagues, and Juliet is the daughter of Lord Capulet.
JUSTIN: If the audience didn’t know that going in, I just do not fucking care. And also, how the hell did they pass Freshman English?
KIRI: A valid point.
JUSTIN: Also, despite going to a sweet party, Romeo is still crying over his invisible ex-girlfriend at this point.
KIRI: He is, yes.
JUSTIN: “If love be blind, love cannot hit the mark.”
KIRI: Stop getting a boner for Mercutio’s dialogue. Pretty much nothing happens in 2-1, other than Romeo for some reason hiding from his friends in the Capulet’s gardens.
JUSTIN: This is never really explained, other than the fact that he is a whiny bitch.
KIRI: I’d argue with him, but he’s mostly right. In Scene 2, Romeo is stumbling through the gardens, avoiding his friends and feeling sorry for himself, when suddenly Juliet appears, and he falls head over heels for her INSTANTLY.
JUSTIN: This is because he is a stupid 14 year old. I was once a 14-year-old boy too, and they will fall madly in love with every vaguely hot chick they see. Science fact.
KIRI: He goes into all kinds of ridiculous, mushy soliloquies over Juliet, despite being madly in love with Rosaline 20 minutes earlier.
JUSTIN: May I ask a question?
KIRI: You just did.
JUSTIN: How is it that Juliet recognizes that it’s Romeo who’s trying to sneak a peak up her dress? Like, have they met before, and just not gotten boner crazy or something?
KIRI: Have they met- You... Did you even read Act 1 Scene 5?
JUSTIN: The what now?
KIRI: The central party scene that has set the entire love story of the play? That also sets up the rivalry between Romeo and Tybalt?
JUSTIN: Was Mercutio in it?
KIRI: No, he wasn’t.
JUSTIN: Then probably not.
KIRI: It’s central to the entire play!
JUSTIN: Look, I’ve seen the movie, and I’ve read all the cool parts, but Kiri, I seriously only care about one character in this play, and he is Mercutio.
KIRI: The party scene was in the movie!
JUSTIN: Well, I don’t know what scene number it was! Look, I know the basics of the damn plot, but when it comes to reading this horseshit, I basically am just skimming the scenes until Mercutio shows up, and it is precisely at that point when I start actually reading, okay?
KIRI: Justin, I don’t like the play any more than you do, but you can’t just call a work by English’s greatest writer “horseshit”.
JUSTIN: A Winter’s Tale?
KIRI: Justin.
JUSTIN: The Merry Wives of Windsor?
KIRI: JUSTIN.
JUSTIN: Measure for Measure?
KIRI: JUSTIN!!!!!
JUSTIN: I’m just saying, even Spielberg made “1941”. (Also, “War of the Worlds” and “Indiana Jones 4”.)
KIRI: I like ‘1941’.
JUSTIN: And you’re a dirty slut.
KIRI: …Romeo and Juliet fall in love instantly, because as Justin has pointed out, they are idiot teenagers.
JUSTIN: Technically, Juliet’s only a ‘tween’, because she’s actually 12.
KIRI: Agreed. Seriously, can we stop talking about the balcony scene? Every shitty romance novel ever has probably quoted it, and it is nothing but sentimental ridiculousness.
JUSTIN: I have no problem with that. Romita and Juliet agree to marry each other. Like, tomorrow, and otherwise, fuck this scene.
KIRI: You said ‘Romita’, not Romeo.
JUSTIN: I did? Maybe that’s because the only way I’d care about this scene is if famous Spider-Man and romance comics artist John Romita was drawing it.
See, if Romeo and Juliet looked more like this, I’d actually give a shit about it.
KIRI:.... Moving on, in Scene 3, Romeo goes and visits Friar Laurence, who is apparently the local Friar, and the go between for Romeo and Juliet.
JUSTIN: He is also a man who apparently sees no problem with secretly marrying the children of two rival mafia families after meeting only the day prior.
KIRI: Stop giving away the plot. But yes, this is the scene where Romeo asks Friar Laurence to marry him and Juliet. Sort of.
JUSTIN: He doesn’t exactly agree to do it here, does he?
KIRI: I thought you just skimmed over this part?
JUSTIN: You got offended last scene, so I’m trying to skim better. But he never actually says yes.
KIRI: He agrees to help him...
JUSTIN: Quote: “ROMEO: Thou chid'st me oft for loving Rosaline. FRIAR LAURENCE: For doting, not for loving, pupil mine.”
KIRI: Stop quoting out of context! Yes, he says that, but at the end of the scene he says “In one respect I'll thy assistant be; For this alliance may so happy prove, To turn your households' rancour to pure love”.
JUSTIN: *ahem* “Is Rosaline, whom thou didst love so dear, So soon forsaken? Young men's love then lies Not truly in their hearts, but in their eyes.”
KIRI: Ugh. Scene 4.
JUSTIN: No, I wanna talk about this. Laurence is totally in on the fact that Romeo is just a horny teenager, right?
KIRI: I... Okay, yeah, probably.
JUSTIN: Yet, he’s hatching a plan to have these two moronic teenagers who met LAST NIGHT get married, in the name of uniting their households.
KIRI: Congratulations, you understand the plot. In your own words, he’s trying to stop a gang-war.
JUSTIN: So he’s a manipulative jackass, and thus the play’s true villain!
KIRI.... WHAT.
JUSTIN: This dude, a man of the cloth nonetheless, is well aware that Romeo is just a stupid teenager thinking with his dick instead of his brain. He’s in on the joke. But despite that, he agrees to marry these two stupid kids, which ultimately leads to their deaths. If he had just said “Stop thinking with your dick, you stupid kid” and smacked Romeo in the back of his head, Romeo and Juliet wouldn’t have killed themselves, thus avoiding the tragedy.
KIRI: He was... he was trying to avoid a gang-war?
JUSTIN: Holy shit, I’m totally right!
KIRI: Oy! Whatever, Scene 4.
JUSTIN: God damn, I am so awesome.
KIRI: And so humble. Anyway. Mercutio is actually in this scene, so you really read it, right?
JUSTIN: Of course. “Alas poor Romeo! he is already dead; stabbed with a white wench's black eye; shot through the ear with a love-song; the very pin of his heart cleft with the blind bow-boy's butt-shaft: and is he a man to encounter Tybalt?”
KIRI: So apparently Tybalt has sent a letter to Romeo challenging him because Tybalt figured out Romeo was at the Capulet’s party and Mercutio doesn’t think Romeo is up to the challenge.
JUSTIN: Because Romeo is a whinny momma’s boy. And probably a coward. “More than prince of cats, I can tell you-”
KIRI: Stop it, this is my act to review.
JUSTIN: “Without his roe, like a dried herring: flesh, flesh, how art thou fishified!”
KIRI: Sigh. Romeo comes back from the gardens, and he and Mercutio have a hilarious witticism contest.
JUSTIN: “I will bite thee by the ear for that jest”
KIRI: Seriously. Getting annoying. Mercutio and the Nurse get into a vague argument that no one cares about, and they all leave.
JUSTIN: The Nurse is basically Juliet’s nanny.
KIRI: Which they’d know if we’d talked about the Act 1 Capulet scenes.
JUSTIN: Fuck you too, Kiri.
KIRI: Scene 5 serves little point, beyond Juliet and the Nurse bonding over thoughts of Romeo.
JUSTIN: Agreed.
KIRI: And Scene VI has Friar Laurence marry the two children to avert further gangland violence. I guess.
JUSTIN: Ethics? We don’t need no stinkin’ ethics!
KIRI: You’re not as funny as Mel Brooks, no matter how hard you try. So, I guess.... Act 3?
JUSTIN: Awesome. Because Scene 3-1 is the best fucking scene in this fucking play. So, Mercutio and Benvolio are hanging out, right, just chillin’ at the speakeasy, because remember, it’s the 1920’s in Little Italy, and that is what you do when you work for gangsters in the 1920’s.
KIRI: You are such an idiot.
JUSTIN: Just then, Tybalt kicks the door in, because like most of the cast, he’s an asshole. Mercutio provokes the shit out of this twat-
KIRI: Justin, don’t say “twat”.
JUSTIN: -mostly because he is a witty motherfucker, and none are safe against his wittiness.
KIRI: Mercutio’s entire character concept is he has a way with words, and has a mercurial temper, in case you hadn’t figured that out.
JUSTIN: Romeo enters, and Tybalt decides to go bitch at him instead of Mercutio, mostly because none can withstand Mercutio’s rapier-wit.
KIRI: Aren’t you the guy who hates this play?
JUSTIN: Yes. But I also think Mercutio is one of Shakespeare’s top five best characters.
KIRI: … Fair enough.
JUSTIN: Tybalt, the second most interesting character in the show-
KIRI: We haven’t talked much about Tybalt, have we?
JUSTIN: I guarantee that is about to change.
KIRI: You know, if we’d done Scene 1-5-
JUSTIN: Stop talking about Act 1 Scene 5! Tybalt then proceeds to say the single greatest line in the play that isn’t spoken by Mercutio: “Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford No better term than this,--thou art a villain.”
KIRI: That's... Really?
JUSTIN: There is no way that line isn’t awesome.
KIRI: Just because he calls him a villain?
JUSTIN: THAT’S WHY IT IS AWESOME! Think about it, calling someone an asshole or a douchebag, that’s just saying that someone is a hole that people poop out of or a container of water that will later be shoved up into someone’s colon.
KIRI: That’s not really a positive thing. Nor is that where a douchebag goes…
JUSTIN: Of course not, but think of the word “villain”. No matter how you cut it, a villain is an antagonist. A badguy. The EXACT opposite of what Romeo is supposedly supposed to be in HIS OWN DAMN PLAY. Tybalt is actually calling out Romeo for being the bullshit protagonist that he truly is. In the middle of the damn play that is named after him!
KIRI: You realise that Shakespeare invented the idea that ‘villian’ is an insult, right? In his time, it just meant that the person in question lived in a villa.
JUSTIN: You’re just jealous that I give such an amazing analysis of the play and am so incredibly handsome.
KIRI:... Have you been drinking?
JUSTIN: Yes I have.
KIRI: I’m going to hurt you.
JUSTIN: So Tybalt wants to fight Romeo. Romeo doesn’t want to fight Tybalt, because he just married Tybalt’s cousin Juliet, and also he is a coward. Mercutio calls bullshit on this, and decides to duel Tybalt himself. And by duel, I mean shoot tommy guns at him, because remember, it’s the 1920s. Romeo is okay with this, because again, coward, so having his friends fight for him is awesome. Tybalt gets a lucky shot in, mostly because tommy guns are automatic, and he fatally wounds Mercutio before Mercutio can get off a shot.
KIRI: I know I shouldn’t enjoy this, but Romeo and Juliet with tommy guns sounds way more interesting than the script.
JUSTIN: I know, right? Tybalt flees, cuz, you know, gang-war and the police and what not, and Mercutio lays dying in Romeo’s arms.
KIRI: You’re not going to quote every line Mercutio says as he dies, are you?
JUSTIN: No. Because again, GENTLEMAN. But they are all awesome. As he dies, Mercutio curses both the Capulets and the Montagues, which I’m sure is not a dramatic turning point, foreshadowing the end of the play.
KIRI: It totally is.
JUSTIN: It totally is. Finally showing some fucking balls, Romeo is SO ANGRY about Tybalt killing Mercutio, that he hunts down Tybalt and slays him. Thus does our tale end: Romeo realized all too late the importance of his friendship with Mercutio, and he slays the murderer out of revenge.
KIRI: That’s not how the play ends.
JUSTIN: I beg to differ.
KIRI: This is a five act play. You quit in Act 3 Scene 1. There are 4 more scenes in this act alone.
JUSTIN: Who cares? The protagonist was killed, and then avenged. End of the god damn story.
KIRI: I know that you know the play doesn’t end here.
JUSTIN: True. But the end of my “giving a shit” does. Christ, Kiri, the only character (Mercutio) I really cared about is dead, and the only character I have a vague interest in (Tybalt) is dead after killing the character I routed for. Seriously, this is the perfect place for an intermission, so that I can leave and not care about the other characters.
KIRI: You are not leaving me to finish this show.
JUSTIN: No, really, I am. Because the rest of this play is bullshit.
KIRI: You have a valid point, but it’s wrong. But I can’t demonstrate that unless we finish the play!
JUSTIN: *sardonic look* Fine. But you better end this shit quickly, because I seriously want to just quit here and look at porn or something.
KIRI: Okay, short version from here out. Romeo gets exiled from Verona because he killed Tybalt.
JUSTIN: You mean Little Italy.
KIRI: Be quiet! Before leaving for the desert or whatever, he sneaks into the Capulet house to consummate his marriage to Juliet.
JUSTIN: I know when I get exiled, the first thing on my mind is getting laid.
KIRI: Romeo then flees. Juliet’s dad decides she needs to marry Paris-
JUSTIN: aka Mister Forgettable.
KIRI: Which causes much upheaval in the Capulet household, since Juliet is secretly married
JUSTIN: (And consummated)
KIRI: to Romeo.
JUSTIN: (Damaged goods, everyone...)
KIRI: Chauvinist. Juliet tries to keep this marriage from happening, but her parents are abusive, so that’s a no-go. Juliet goes to Friar Laurence, who, ugh, if you remember is responsible for all this bullshit. He gives her a drug to basically simulate being dead for two days.
JUSTIN: The Catholic Church, everyone!
KIRI: Laurence sends a message to Romeo to let him know what’s going on, but Romeo never gets the message, because the messenger, who is apparently as drunk as Justin, tells Romeo that Juliet is really dead.
JUSTIN: Turns out that the game “Telephone” is a pretty shitty way to convey a message.
KIRI: Romeo returns to Verona just as Juliet’s funeral is wrapping up, kills Paris-
JUSTIN: Oh right, that forgettable character no one cares about.
KIRI: - and proceeds to poison himself while lying next to Juliet’s corpse. Then, as he dies, Juliet wakes up, sees that Romeo is dead, and then stabs herself with Romeo’s dagger because she can’t live without him. And.... everyone who isn’t dead learns an important lesson, apparently?
JUSTIN: See! This play is retarded!
KIRI: That’s insensitive, and also you are wrong.
JUSTIN: Much like the Fonze, I don’t know what that word means, at least when it is referencing me.
KIRI: No, see, you’re right about Mercutio being the character who is the central protagonist.
JUSTIN: Obviously! Tybalt’s a douche, Laurence is a manipulative asshole, and everyone else is lame as fuck.
KIRI: But this play isn’t about the protagonist.
JUSTIN: That.... wait.
KIRI: This is a play about how stupid our emotions make us, and about how stupid teenagers are.
JUSTIN: ...I refuse to tell you that you’re right.
KIRI: This play happens over the course of four days. These stupid god damn teenagers, meet, fall in “love”, decide to get married, and then their rash and ridiculous decisions lead to their deaths. In four days. This is not a play about unrelenting love like everyone on the planet thinks it is. This is a play about how EVERYONE WAS STUPID AS HELL WHEN THEY WERE TEENAGERS.
JUSTIN: … I’m intrigued.
KIRI: Shakespeare wrote it around the same time that he was writing Midsummer: a play about sudden shifts in emotion and devotion. Again, the central characters are teenagers, looking to get laid. If anything, this is his period of social critique concerning the fickleness of youth.
JUSTIN: Go on.
KIRI: That’s.... That’s it. Do you really need to me to explain this further?
JUSTIN: Well, not really, because yeah, that’s pretty spot on. But we’re, like, 13 pages in, you can’t just be done now. Our readers will feel like this was a whole bunch of build up to nothing.
KIRI: That’s not my fault. This is a shitty play after Act 3 Scene 1. I’m just saying, everyone has the wrong thoughts on what the play is about.
JUSTIN: … You’re a bitch, you know that?
KIRI: Yeah, well, you’re a prick.
JUSTIN: And yet, I had fun with this.
KIRI: We should do Lear next!
JUSTIN: Eye-gouging is always entertaining!
*If you, the audience, have suggestions, please let us know. We may or may not listen, because, honestly, your opinion means mostly nothing to us. But if it doesn’t suck, maybe we’ll talk about it?*
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