New Year’s Eve Star Trek Reruns: A Drunk Column

Does it ever feel like there are just too many holidays all around the end/beginning of the year? Between Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanza, New Years, Boxing Day, the Winter Solstice, Epiphany, David Bowie’s Birthday, and Wookie Life Day, honestly, it can get pretty overwhelming. Don’t get me wrong, I love holidays. Hallowe’en is awesome. Lying and manipulating your friends and relatives on April Fool’s Day? Hilarious. Lighting shit on fire on July 4th? Sign me up for that! But for about two weeks there, when almost every day is one or several separate holidays…. Oy. When every day is a holiday, they just get boring.
So this year, when New Year’s Eve came around, I decided NOT to go party. I’d had my fill of partying for at least a week and a half. Instead of partying, I would do what you’re supposed to do on New Year’s (if you’re not partying), looking towards the future. And for me, the future is clearly Star Trek. So, using a bullshit mathematical equation I just made up, I randomly selected 5 Star Trek: The Next Generation episodes to watch and drunkenly review. What? Just because I said I wasn’t partying, I never said I wasn’t going to get drunk.

Episode 3-5: The Bonding
The aliens are called “Koinonians.” Oy. I’m too sober for this. Guys, I know my Next Gen. And this episode is not a good start to the night.
Okay, so on a standard archeology mission, something goes wrong and the lead scientist is accidentally killed. She has a ten year old kid who lives with her on the Enterprise. And all of this reminds Wesley Crusher that when he was, like, 4 or something, Captain Picard had to tell him about his father Jack Crusher’s death. Except that I still maintain that Picard is secretly Wesley’s real dad. Blah, blah, blah, some Klingon mystical stuff with Worf. (Shut up, Troi.)Data tries to understand the nature of loss, and oh man, NOTHING is happening in this episode!
Troi wants to talk about Worf’s feelings. I’m sorry kids, I just can’t take this episode seriously. It’s so obvious that nothing that happens here will ever come up again, I just don’t care. Worf tries to console the kid in his own, Klingon way. God, Troi just will not stop talking about people’s feelings. Grr. Oh, and when someone asks Wesley to actually do anything at all, he just WHINES about it.
Just about then, the writers remember that this is Star Trek, and that something insane needs to happen. The planet they’re orbiting releases some energy field or something and the kid’s dead mom shows up in his room. Because why the hell not at this point?

Everyone you love is dead, you little asshole.

Worf stumbles on this, and decides things are just getting too stupid for words. The “alien-posing-as-mom” wants to take the kid back to the planet. The Enterprise crew thinks that’s a really bad idea (because it is).The kid is in grief (and also stupid as hell), and doesn’t realize that this alien is, in fact, not his dead-as-hell mom. Then dead-mom-alien uses its alien energy powers to somehow recreate the kid’s home on Earth inside his Enterprise living quarters. I feel stupider just writing that sentence. And seriously, how sucky are Troi episodes? I mean, really?
Bad news, we still have 15 minutes to go. Geordi manages to magic away the alien. Alien attacks the Enterprise (somehow) and magics itself back. The alien(s?)(it’s never quite clear to me if this is one energy alien or several) apparently feels bad about the whole accidental-mom-death thing and wants to make it up to the kid. Picard talks logic and sense to the alien. Wesley bores everyone half to death. Kid freaks out a bit.

I can’t say I blame the kid on this one.

The alien leaves. Worf and the kid do some Klingon bonding ceremony to make each other family, but again, none of it matters because we’ll never see this kid ever again ever. Credits

1-8: Justice
Fuck you. No. I’m not doing “Justice” after that last episode.
*Checks with the editor*
Shit. Okay. Fine. Apparently I have to do this one. So here it is: “Justice” is a shitty episode except for the end where Picard has a really great speech. I remember that speech being pretty sweet and compelling. Anyway, you don’t care about the characters and neither do I. Every one of the girl extras are vaguely hot and nearly naked (yay!) but with bad 80’s hair (boo!). The male extras, meanwhile, are even more nearly-naked and all pushing 45 (extra boo!). Wesley breaks some stupid rule on the planet. It’s a really, really, stupid rule, trust me, and he is going to be put to death because of it. Dr. Crusher is mad about all this, and tells Picard to save their secret bastard love-child. There’s some nonsense threat to the Enterprise too, but whatever. I’m just watching this episode for the side-boobs and end speech. Also, I’d like to point out that the outfits are really silly, side-boobage aside.

Seriously, guys, this is what nearly everyone wears on this planet. It’s ridiculous.

The alien threat is to the Enterprise is the natives’ space-god or something, and it’s using its space-god powers to keep Wesley from just beaming back up to the Enterprise. Then Picard decides o talk to space-god and…. That… That end speech was better in my memory than in actual fact. But whatever. Through the power of Shakespearean skills and diplomacy, Picard talks space-god out of killing them all, day is saved, yada, yada.

At least the natives were vaguely attractive, I guess.

5-8: Unification, Part 2
Oh, thank you, Ghost of Gene Roddenberry, I thought I should know only suffering after those first two, but this episode is pretty great. Obviously this is the second part of a 2-parter, so, the story so far….
Ambassador Spock is missing! People think he’s defected to the Romulans! Spock’s dad (and Picard’s bro) Sarek has died from being, like, 205! Picard and Data sneak onto Romulus to find Spock! Dressed up as Romulans! (Being an Enterprise Captain and pretending to be a Romulan has a long, rich history in Star Trek) Stuff explodes! The Romulans know Picard is on Romulus! Picard and Data find Spock! And that’s the story so far!

“We are Romulans!”

Well, Spock’s not defecting, obviously. That would be stupid. Spock’s really there because he knows of some Romulans who want to work at reuniting the Vulcan and Romulan peoples after centuries of hatred, hence why he came to Romulus. Picard tells Spock about his father’s death, Spock handles it well (‘cuz, you know, he’s a Vulcan). Spock is working with a Romulan Senator named Pardek who he thinks he can trust, and he won’t leave. Picard won’t leave without Spock, so Spock begrudgingly agrees to let Picard and Data help him.
Meanwhile, the Enterprise crew visit a space bar out of “Cantina scene” envy. It’s more complicated than that, obviously, but the important part is “Cantina scene!” Back on Romulus, Pardek and Spock meet with the new Romulan Proconsul (think Prime Minister or something), and he tells Spock he’s all for reunification with the Vulcans. After Spock leaves, though, we find out that the Proconsul was a lying, scheming manipulator (i.e.: a Romulan) and is in league with Romulan Commander Sela.
Now, a moment about Sela for the uninitiated. Sela is evil. We’ve met her a few times before. More than that, though, Sela is the adult daughter of an alternate universe Tasha Yar. In our universe, Tasha Yar was an Enterprise Security Chief who died in the line of duty. But in an alternate universe, she was an Enterprise Security Chief who was sent back in time, captured by (our universe’s) Romulans, forced to marry a Romulan Senator, had his baby (Sela), and then was killed while trying to escape. And Sela looks just like Tasha, because, you know, same actress. I know this all sounds completely insane, but it’s honestly par for the course on Star Trek.

Also, that hair cut? It’s never looked good on ANYBODY.

While Picard and Co. don’t trust the Proconsul, Spock wants to move forward with their plans, even if it’s unsafe. Data and Spock become buds. We get another Cantina scene (why not?). Spock, Picard, Data and Pardek all meet, and Spock WITH LOGIC deduces that it’s a trap. Just then, Sela springs said trap, and Spock reveals, THROUGH LOGIC, that Pardek has betrayed them despite 80 years of friendship. Logic is kind of Spock’s thing, you guys. Also, Romulans lie about everything.

“I am the boss, you guys. The boss of LOGIC.”

Sela wants Spock to help her invade Vulcan, Spock says no because he’s not a douchebag. Spock and Data team up to break them out and to warn the Federation of the Romulan invasion. Data does the Vulcan nerve pinch on Sela for fan service. The invasion is thwarted and the day is saved. Picard and Data are ready to leave, but Spock refuses. He still believes in reunification, and he still wants to stay on Romulus to help the underground movement work towards it. Picard basically says okay, because his 44 minutes of episode time is up.

3-7: The Enemy

“Does anyone know where to find a good dry cleaning place?”

Hey editorial, can we skip this one? Unlike “Justice”, it’s not like anything is wrong with it. It’s just that it’s kind of a mundane Romulan episode, and we just did a better one. Can we just move on to something else?
We can? Awesome. I sure hope this doesn’t come back to bite me on my ass.

7-20: Journey’s End
God. Damnit.
There’s only one fucking Wesley episode in Season 7. Which episode is it? This one. OF COURSE. Fuck. Fine. So the Enterprise picks up Wesley fresh from Starfleet academy, and he’s being a dick, because, I don’t know, being 22 is hard or something? Is this the most douchey Wesley episode ever? Yep. He’s gone from being a whiney little teenager to being a dickish college student. It’s not an improvement, TRUST ME. God, just look at him. His (illegitimate) dad is a man’s man’s man. But Wesley? What a whiney little shit.

I don’t blame Wil Wheaton, really. He can only work with what the writers give him.

Ahem. Moving on. A new treaty has been established between the Federation and he Cardassians, and part of that treaty swaps some planets around in the new DMZ. Because of that, the Enterprise must evacuate a colony of Native Americans (yes, really) because the treaty is giving their planet to the Cardassians. So yes, this episode is about space Native Americans being forced off their space land. You have no idea how sorry about this I am, you guys. Worse yet, they keep calling them “Indians”, despite none of these people being from, you know, India.
Anyway, the Native Americans don’t want to move, for reasons that, you know, if I really need to explain to you, maybe go pick up a history book or something. Wesley keeps being a dick, even at a party the Enterprise throws to try to win over the colonists. But just then, Wesley runs into a “super awesome Indian dude” named Lakanta who tells Wesley that he’s awesome. With “Indian magic”. Because that’s the sort of thing Native Americans really do all the time, you guys. Obviously.

“I see no way how this plot could be seen as offensive to anyone, ever. Also, I am an Indian. From America.”

Dr. Crusher tells Picard that Wesley is being a dick, and she needs his help with that. Picard’s all like “Nope, I’ve ignored my paternal duties to this kid for 22 years, I’m not about to start now.” When Picard once again tells the colonists that he has to remove them, they tell him that he won’t follow through with his orders. They say that one of Picard’s ancestors was all about slaying their own ancestors. Picard’s all like “Say wha?” and the Native Americans are all “Remove this stain!” And then the Cardassians show up. Because they’re dicks.
Wesley learns from the Native Americans by going on a vision quest, because it’s the only part of their culture white people can ever remember. While being space-drugged, Wesley space hallucinates his dead dad (the one who raised him, not Picard), and decides that removing these colonists is EVIL. Without any understanding of the bigger picture, Wesley tells every colonist he meets that the Enterprise is here to force them off their land. What a douche. When confronted about this on the Enterprise, Wesley resigns from Starfleet, and tells everyone he had an “Indian vision” of his dad. I’m sure that was the most tolerant way to describe that moment, Wes.
The Native Americans refuse to recognize Starfleet’s treaty and capture every Cardassian on the planet. The word “Indian” gets repeated, like, 17 more times. Then, Lakanta, who has spent the whole episode telling Wesley how pretty and special he is, reveals himself to ACTUALLY be the Traveler, a cosmic dick who’s been telling Wesley how pretty and special he is since, like, episode 4. I hate that guy.

Seriously? Fuck you. Fucking “Mozart reincarnated” Deus ex Machina bullshit.

Stupid shit happens. The colonists decide to stay on the planet, only under Cardassian rule instead of the Federation. I’m sure that won’t ever back fire on them or something. Wesley goes off into time or something, and then comes back, saying he’s going to begin his training as a magic angel baby with the Native Americans. Picard and Dr. Crusher say good bye to their bastard child, and fuck I hate this nonsense.
You know what? Fuck this. Next time I do drunken Star Trek reviews, I’m picking the episodes. This random crap is bullshit. Peace out.


  1. Because the Himalayas, home of the snow, is the most impressive system of mountains on the earth, and for centuries the setting for epic feats of exploration.

  2. This is hilarious. Thanks for making me laugh.


Post a Comment

Popular Posts