St. Patrick’s Day Star Trek Reruns: Further Evidence That I Am a Monster

Ah, St. Patrick’s Day. A fabled holiday, celebrating an English saint, who somehow got famous for getting all the snakes out of a country that snakes have never, ever been indigenous to. But whatever, it’s a day to celebrate being Irish, even when you’re not. And so, when I decided what episodes of Star Trek to watch while celebrating my non-existent Irish heritage, did I think to watch episodes that heavily feature Transporter Chief Miles O’Brien, an Irishman who has a good family life, and is all around a pretty great guy? No. No, of course not. I watched “Up the Long Ladder.”

Up. The fucking. Long. Ladder.

There is no possible way for me to properly describe this episode to you. Some have argued that it’s the worst episode of Star Trek ever. It’s not. (Nothing could ever be worse than “Shades of Gray”.) But it’s close. If it’s not the worst, it might be the most ridiculous. That’s a strong possibly. I haven’t watched it in years, but I’ve long told people that the only way to properly understand this episode is to sit down and murder 47 minutes of your life by watching it. And here I am, murdering my life watching it yet again. Added bonus: my friend and resident Irish-type person Brent “Samuel Clemens” McDannald is in town, and once again I’m ruining his day by making him watch this episode with me. I’m pretty sure he was with me the last time I watched it, because the only reason (until now) I can think to watch this episode is to make someone else understand your pain. Okay, enough exposition. Time to watch this dreadful thing. Pass me some more scotch.

Episode 2-18: Up the Long Ladder

What the hell was that opening scene? Seriously? What the fuck? Everyone’s just standing around, and suddenly Worf has a seizure or something? I don’t remember that scene at all, and I’ve seen this episode at least 6 different times that I can remember. (To be fair, I’ve seen EVERY episode of The Next Generation at least that many times) I don’t know what’s happening, but I promise you it’s not important.

Picard and Riker discuss orders about some SOS or something. I don’t know how they can tell that whatever that stupid noise is is an SOS, but there you have it. Something needs to happen to get the plot of this abomination started. So the Enterprise is off to the Ficus Sector to rescue some colony or something. And yes, you read that right. The Ficus Sector. I even double checked Memory Alpha on that. Apparently it’s the star system they get house plants from. Brent just pointed out that “the fake computer looks like it’s made out of clay.”

He may have a point.

But seriously, did Worf just pass out from indigestion or something? We find out in Sick Bay. “Klingon’s do not faint.” Hilarious. Worf is so awesome, you guys. Apparently Worf has “Klingon measles”. That is actually what Dr. Pulaski calls it. How Worf caught a Klingon version of a viral respiratory infection on a spaceship that regularly filters the air- especially when he’s the only Klingon onboard, so no one else could be carrying the infecti- you know what, I’m putting waaaaay too much thought into this one. Way more effort than the actual writers, clearly.

No one knows who’s in this colony or whatever, because no one has heard from the ship they were on in 200 years. Data points out that there’s probably a crew manifest from where they took off, because oh yeah, even though it’s been 200 years, that would still be the 22nd Century, and not, like, the dark ages or something. The irony of this is about to become apparent. Then Worf and Dr. Pulaski have tea.

I’m not making this up, you know.

Worf’s having tea with her as a thank-you-for-not-telling-everyone-I-had-the-Klingon-measles gift. This doesn’t actually make sense, especially since Klingon tea is apparently so strong it’s actually poisonous to humans. I think it’s just another way for Worf to remind everyone that he’s better than all of them. Mercifully, they cut to the next scene before Worf can start reciting Klingon poetry. Riker has beamed down to the colony to check out the situation. He tells Picard that there are 200 colonists (really more like 30), and they need to be rescued and shit.
Picard says that’s fine, beam them up, but when Riker starts trying to explain that there may be complications, Picard tells him to fuck off. He must be getting lonely because this is the season that Crusher wasn’t in. So, complications be damned, he says just beam them up anyway.

And then they beam up Irish peasants. In space.

He apparently beamed up the straw with them? I guess?

O’Brien, faced with the worst Irish stereotypes he’s ever seen and reasonably offended, calls the Captain and tells him to get his ass over here and fix it somehow. Picard and Worf head to the transporter room, and then… well, and then this happens.

……… Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck everything. That is a fucking chicken on the starship Enterprise. Complete with a bucktooth child that goes and gives it a hug. Oy.

The Space Irish are led by a drunken (of course) leader named Odell. Upon seeing Worf once, he decides not to fuck with him. Good choice. Picard- who I know is supposed to be French, but be honest, you never once believed that, did you?- is less than thrilled about these filthy Irish stereotypes on his (upper class) ship. Odell acts like he’s going to make a pass at Picard, but it turns out he’s really just trying to sell his daughter to the Captain or something. It’s a little weird. Speaking of her, we’re introduced to her, and I shall call her “Hot Irish Chick Who Is Angry And Says All Men Drink Too Much”, because I never bothered to learn her name. She yells and complains a lot in this episode.

The Irish start a fire in the cargo bay they (and their livestock) have taken up refuge in. Apparently, computers are like magic to these plain, simple peasant folk, who, once again, are living in the year 2365, and are the descendants of colonists from the year 2123. After solving the fire issue, Picard and Worf decide to get the hell away from these idiots, but Riker notices there’s a hot chick on board that he hasn’t yet boned, so he sets out to fix that. Then Odell shocks everyone by asking if the Enterprise found the other colony too.

“Allow me to introduce you to my penis.”

Riker gives Hot Irish Chick a tour of his quarters. Giggle. She keeps making allusions to “needing to wash her feet” as she starts to strip. Honestly? I find this kind of bizarre. Riker just says to hell with it, though, because it’s time to play Hide The Boner.

Oh look! The Space Irish have been on board for less than an hour, and they’ve already got a distillery up and running. Odell starts drinking some whiskey, because lord knows it’s been at least 20 minutes since his last one, and then waxes philosophically about wishing he could have something even stronger.

To be fair, is there really such a thing as booze that’s too strong?

Worf, amused, offers him some Klingon booze. Much like the Klingon tea from earlier, it is quite strong. Then, I guess Riker and Hot Irish Chick’s boning was just a quickie, because she shows up to bitch about her father drinking. This is pretty much what her character does.

Then the Enterprise stumbles upon the other colony. All these space Irish were originally on a ship with non-Irish-stereotypes, who I guess abandoned them or something? Anyway, their ship crashed 200 years ago, and only 5 people survived. So the other colony? Well, they are all CLONES, of course. Clones with shoulder pads.

“And mullets,” Brent points out. “Clones with shoulder pads and mullets.” Not all of them have mullets, but yeah, true.

God damn, there are still 2 more acts to this abortion, but Brent’s fiancé Katie (who is failing at sleeping through this episode) just figured out the ending, so that’s a good sign? Maybe? Anyway, anyone who knows anything about Spider-Man comics in the 90’s (or the Star Wars prequels) can tell you that clones suck. And these clones suck especially, because all they do is clone themselves, they don’t even try to have sex, because it grosses them out. But they need new clone-stock, so they ask to clone Enterprise crew members. Riker says screw you, and Picard agrees. Despite that, they agree to fix the clones crap down on Clone World.

Well, OF COURSE the clones abduct Riker and Pulaski when they get down there. They go about stealing DNA in the worst way imaginable- by stabbing a giant needle into their stomachs and extracting the genetic material. It is TERRIFYING. Pulaski and Riker return to the Enterprise with no memory of being abducted, but Geordi figures it out, and Riker destroys the new clones.

The clones are pissed off about Riker destroying the new Riker and Pulaski clones. Riker’s pissed off about the abduction stuff. The clones are all “We need new clones or our culture will die!” (Culture? What culture?) Eventually, Pulaski points out the obvious solution, have the Space Irish move in with the clones and start making babies the traditional way. The clones don’t want them because they’re all “sex is gross”, but the Enterprise doesn’t really give them much choice. No way are they getting stuck with the Space Irish assholes. Nobody ever wants the Irish, you guys.

The Space Irish are brought in, and while the Clones and the Irish don’t get along at first, they reach an agreement. In order to encourage genetic diversity, everyone will be required to have three spouses to get it on with. When Hot Irish Chick hears about this, she is not particularly pleased (though she did nail Riker at the first opportunity, so you’d think she’d have fairly liberated views on sex). Yay polygamy, I guess, even if it is forced?

Hot Irish Chick says “Send in the clones.”, which was the original (and much better) title of this episode. Clones have never seen livestock, apparently, based on their reaction to a lamb. Whatever. This episode is finally over with.

This fever dream of an episode makes no sense, and I still don’t think you can properly understand the terribleness until you watch it yourself. Just don’t expect me to watch it with you. The randomness of the early Worf scene has nothing to do with the plot, unless the plot is really supposed to be about badass Klingon beverages. Which, frankly, would be a lot better than Space Irish Peasants and Clones needing to come together to, uh, have babies, I guess? And seriously, Irish peasants. In the 24th century. How does that even get past the initial plotting phase of writing? Ugh. I need another drink, and isn’t that really the moral of St. Patrick’s Day?

Yes. Clearly.