Valentine’s Day Star Trek Reruns: A Drunk Column Sequel

[NOTE: I realize that it’s now March, but my life has been a little insane of late. Just read it and pretend it’s still Valentine’s Day, and everything will work out fine. I’ll try to make the St. Patrick’s one I’m planning a little more timely, promise.]

I had so much fun last time I did a drunken Star Trek review, that I decided to do it again for the second Official Drunk Holiday of the year: Valentine’s Day. But that “random episode selection” stuff last time was bullshit, and I decided to choose a few episodes myself this time. One of them is objectively terrible but I love it anyway; one is mediocre at best, but involves nudity; and one of them makes no sense at all, but is all about love, thievery, and cosplay. And in the spirit of Valentine’s Day, they’re all about romance! Because, hey, sure, why not? Make it so!

Episode 1-3: The Naked Now

This is an episode that’s a sequel to a Star Trek: The Original Series episode where a space virus turns everyone drunk and horny. I don’t have the TOS episode on hand, so you’ll just have to trust me on that.

The Enterprise rendezvous with a science vessel near an exploding star, only to discover that the science crew is having a wild and crazy party. Just as they show up, someone on the other ship does something extra stupid, and opens an emergency hatch that exposes the entire crew to the open vacuum of space, killing them all. Why not?

Naturally, the Enterprise sends over an Away Team to investigate, consisting entirely of main characters. While investigating onboard, Geordi finds a room where a crazy frozen orgy has happened. While looking at the nudity and reflecting on his lack of tail-getting, a body nearly falls on him. Geordi catches it, but uh-oh, guess who just got infected by a space virus!

There’s nothing as sad as walking into an orgy and getting a cold shoulder from everyone…

When the team is brought back, Geordi starts acting like a drunken asshole because (spoilers from 1987) the space virus turns you into a drunken asshole. Also, horny. Before anyone’s figured that out, though, Geordi sneaks out of sickbay and starts spreading his disease with everyone. Starting with Wesley (eww). Then he freaks out on Tasha Yar about him being blind, managing to infect her too.

Meanwhile, Riker vaguely remembers seeing that old episode of TOS, and tracks it down on the computer and emails a copy of it to Dr. Crusher, so that she can save the day. Troi finds Tasha has broken into her quarters to steal her clothes. Tasha proves that she’s crazy by telling Troi that her clothes are always beautiful. Anyone who’s ever seen ST:TNG can tell you that Troi’s fashion sense is objectively horrible. But whatever, Tasha infects Troi, then goes for a stroll to make out with random drunken crew members.

Wesley forms a drunken coup d’état and manages to seal himself up in Engineering and take over total control of the Enterprise. If that sounds implausible, it is. While Picard is trying to deal with that, Tasha calls up to the bridge and acts all frisky and stuff. Picard has had it up to here with this nonsense, and orders Data to escort her to Sickbay. Big Mistake.

D. T. F. Also, Superman spit-curl?

She reveals to some of her backstory to Data, and then tells him she wants his robot boner. This, uh, works somehow, even though he’s an android and should be immune to getting space drunk. But he’s not, so, it’s time to play robot slap and tickle.

*Giggle* ‘Fully functional.’

Riker is trying to get Wesley out of Engineering when space drunk Troi gets all clingy (and infectious) with Riker. He takes her to Sickbay, and in the process infects Crusher. Oh, and just for laughs, the cure they used on the TOS episode this one is ripped off from isn’t going to work this time, because PLOT DEVICE.

Wesley still won’t give up control of the Enterprise, and the ship is mostly doomed because of course it is. Drunk Data returns to the bridge, and Picard’s all like “Data, you’re a robot, you can’t get drunk!” And Data’s all “I’m drunk and laid, bitches!” Drunk Crusher shows up in Picard’s Ready Room, and tells him she wants to bone. Picard tries to resist, if only vaguely successfully, but duty comes before boning, damn it. Oh, and now he’s infected too.

No, really, how does a robot get drunk? What is this, Futurama?

Riker and Worf hold their space drunk better than anyone, and try to keep the Enterprise from blowing up. Wesley gets baited out of Engineering, and drunk though he is, Data saves the Enterprise with Wesley’s help (Ugh.). Despite being drunk and horny, Dr. Crusher manages to cure everyone, and the day is saved. With everything back to normal, Tasha tells Data that “it never happened.” Lol’s are had by all.

Even though this is only the third episode, and a shameless rip off at that, I kind of love this episode. It’s totally insane, but in an awesome way. Wesley gets drunk once and the first thing he does is take over the Enterprise? Crusher and Picard hilarious drunk antics? Drunk robot sex? Yes. Yes, please, with a bowl of awesomesauce on the side.

Episode 3-24: Ménage à Troi

The Enterprise is visiting Betazed to attend a trade conference. Troi’s mother Lwaxana is there, just to make things interesting. Also, Ferengi are there, to make things even more interesting. Betazoids don’t like species like the Ferengi who they can’t mind tread, and when one of them, Daimon Tog, makes a pass at Lwaxana, it doesn’t end well. Anyway, Lwaxana want to make sure Troi is happy, because mothers are like that. There’s some B-Story involving Wesley heading to Starfleet Academy and stuff, but whatever. Picard makes Riker go on shore-leave with Troi because he’s in a matchmaking mood. The 2 of them beam down to Betazed.

Personally, I’ve been to worse vacation spots.

While the 2 of them reminisce about their old love (and while Troi wears a truly hideous dress), Lwaxana shows up to interfere with their lives. Mothers, am I right? She wants Troi to marry someone, preferably Riker, and she makes that very obvious. But then Daimon Tog show up and tells Lwaxana he wants her passionately. And then he promptly abducts the three of them.

No, really. That dress is just the worst. And clearly being a fashion disaster is a Troi family disease.

On the Ferengi ship, Riker realizes that his communicator can’t reach the Enterprise. Then Daimon Tog teleports the clothes off of Troi and her mother, because in Ferengi tradition, women aren’t allowed to wear clothes (It’s called titillation, I guess). Tog tells Lwaxana that if she uses her telepathy to help him in financial gain, Troi and Riker’s lives will be spared. She decides to talk with him alone.

Wesley is having second thoughts about the whole Academy thing. Whatever. Moving on. From his prison cell, Riker manages to school the other Ferengi dudes in 3-Dimensional Chess. Lwaxana manipulates the bad guys with pathetic ease. Seduction is so easy when the victim is willing, I guess. Riker uses the chess thing to con his way into a prison break (obviously). Lwaxana has almost seduced Daimon Tog into giving her the command controls of the ship, when other Ferengi show up to call him out for being an idiot.

“The Ferengi Chess Players” would be a good name for a band.

As the Ferengi doctor is experimenting on Lwaxana to learn more about her mind reading abilities, Riker tries to send a message to the Enterprise using Star Trek logic. Wesley figures this out just before he’s about to leave, and decides to abandon his shuttle to school in order to tell the bridge crew about it. This, of course, means he’s safe from Star Fleet Academy for yet another season. Troi and Riker rescue Lwaxana, and then manage to be captured again cuz they’re dumb. Lwaxana has a plan, though, and promises to stay with the Ferengi if Troi and Riker are sent back to the Enterprise. The two of them protest, but Tog agrees. The Enterprise arrives, and they’re beamed over. When the Ferengi and the Enterprise open communications, Lwaxana reveals her plan ‘discretely’.

She insinuates that she and Picard are former lovers, and that him bringing the Enterprise this far out to rescue her was an act of passion. Picard understands, and plays along by throwing quote after quote of Shakespeare at her (Picard often solves his problems with Shakespeare). He threatens to destroy the Ferengi ship if he can’t have her, and Daimon Tog falls for the bluff. He beams Lwaxana back to the Enterprise bridge. Thanking him for the rescue, she leaves Picard all flustered and stuff.

Then Picard gives Wesley a field promotion and a real uniform because Wesley has once again screwed up going to the Academy (third time, you guys), and Picard is sick of seeing his bastard son not in a uniform. The Enterprise is a weird ship, you guys.

So, if there’s a moral to this episode, I guess that it’s… That it’s okay to use sex and sensuality to manipulate people who kidnap you if that helps you escape, and if THAT fails, you can always threaten murder. Also, if you fail to go to school repeatedly, you can totally have a career in the space military. I guess?

“Good job failing school, son. Here’s your complementary pilot’s license and phaser.”

Episode 4-20: Qpid

Okay, quick backstory is needed here. This episode involves Q, who is Picard’s nemesis/possibly God? He’s from a godlike race, that’s for certain. He can basically do anything, is beyond the notion of space and time, and like to toy with Picard like a cat with a spider. Also, in this episode: Vash, Picard’s ex-girlfriend. If Picard is Indiana Jones, Vash is that hot Nazi chick in Last Crusade. She’s a thief, adventure, and she and Picard are totally hot for each other. Crusher gets the shaft in this episode, but not literally. Onward!

The Enterprise is about to host an archeology conference, and Picard is way into that, because that Indiana Jones analogy wasn’t bullshit. Picard’s readying a speech he’s giving at the conference, when Vash shows up in his quarters. Rather than question this, he decides that sexy times are ahoy, and just goes with it.

His decision might not be as rash as it seems.

The next morning over breakfast, Picard realizes that Vash is totally just there to use him, but he’s mostly cool with that. Until, that is, Dr. Crusher arrives for their weekly breakfast, which makes things awkward, since Picard told Vash about Crusher, but he hasn’t told anyone onboard about Vash.

Vash and Crusher go to Ten Forward together, and Riker (of course) makes a pass at her. But she sees right through his cheesy one-liners. Vash is starting to get annoyed as she realizes that Picard hasn’t told ANYONE about her. Things get worse once the conference has started, when Vash speaks to Troi, and she realizes even his own councilor doesn’t know about her. She confronts Picard about all this and doesn’t buy the whole “I’m a private loner kind of dude” thing (even though he totally is), and that’s about when Q shows up. Picard is not having a very good day.

Q owes Picard a favor for something that happened the last time he visited (long story), and he’s here to pay up. Picard just wants Q to leave, and they bicker for a bit before Q pretends to go. Picard then tries to explain things to Vash, and re-realizes that she’s probably up to something (Because I guess he forgot he already realized that after their game of hide the pickle?). Q spies on their fighting, and comes up with his master plan. As previously stated, it involves cosplay. To teach Picard a lesson, Q uses his “whatever the writers feel like” powers to transport all the main characters on the Enterprise (and Vash) into Robin Hood characters in Sherwood Forest. Because why the hell not?

Picard is Robin Hood. Vash is Maid Marian. Q is the Sheriff of Nottingham. Riker, Little John; Worf, Will Scarlet; Data, Friar Tuck; Geordi, some guy; Troi and Crusher, also some guys, because Marian is the only girl in the Robin Hood story. Worf is less than amused, and Worf is a man who solves his problems with violence. Yes, Star Trek just went Ren Fair. Deal with it, kids.

No, seriously, that is the actual line of dialogue Worf says.

Q shows up to tell Picard that if in the next 24 hours he doesn’t rescue Vash, she’ll die. But, he warns, if Picard does try to rescue her, blood will be spilled (Spoiler: Not really….). Understandably, Vash is just incredibly pissed off about having to wear that dress, but then she learns she’s about to be executed. She decides her best course of action is to change the rules, so she starts openly flirting with some jerkwad named Sir Guy of Gisbourne, who just so happens to be the man in charge of her soon-to-be execution. Q is annoyed by this, but he doesn’t have time to be annoyed for very long, because Picard is already here to rescue her. Vash calls Picard out for being dumb, and when the Nottingham fuzz show up, she hands Picard over to them to save her own cover
Real love will always betray you in the end, I guess?

Q respects her ruthlessness, and admits to her that she intrigues him. But then he betrays her to the guards- for the sake of saving the game between himself and Picard, you see. As the execution of both Picard and Vash approaches, they continue to bicker, until the Enterprise crew show up and save the day, Merry Men style. Fighting ensues.

Q passively observes Picard’s final swordfight with Sir Guy, but (obviously) the heroes win the day. He then tells Picard that their debt is paid (Q is kind of shitty at repaying debts, if you ask me), and if Picard has learned his lesson (about emotions making you stupid) at all, huzzah. Vash disagrees, and is all “you are so sexy for trying to save me even if it was dumb”, but Q sees past her stand-by-her-man sentiments.

Back on the Enterprise, Picar goes to his quarters, where Vash appears. So does Q. Turns out, Q likes her enough to offer to give her a universal tour, mostly just because it will piss Picard off. There’s some moral here about the one who got away, or always going for the wrong person, or whatever, but…. Meh. Too obvious.

Q was right, emotions make you stupid, and they aren’t to be trusted. And if that’s not a Valentine’s Day lesson worth learning, I don’t know what is!