What If Wednesday #11: What If the Fantastic Four Were the Original Marvel Bullpen?
On Wednesdays, The Amazing Justin Palm! gets drunk as shit and
reviews an issue of Marvel Comics’ “What If?” so that you, the reader, can
enjoy his drunken ramblings about a comic book whose sole purpose is to talk
about shit that never happened, so it doesn’t matter at all. Dear Internet:
You’re welcome.
Okay, so the last time I
did one of these, my grandmother died, so, uh, let's hope that was just a
coincidence and not the start of a trend.
Right?
(*ahem* Inappropriate.)
Alright, cats
and kittens, I hope you're all ready, cuz this shit is about to get META. Okay, so in the Marvel Comics Universe, there
exists a fictional Marvel Comics company.
It's been there since, like, Fantastic Four #10. And this fictional version of the company
prints the comic book adventures of the Fantastic Four and Avengers and the
like, only slightly different from how they're printed in the real world,
because these are now the licensed adventures of the superheroes, that the
fictional Marvel Comics has been licensed to print. Confused yet?
It gets better! Because due to a
combination of Stan "The Man" Lee and Jack "King" Kirby
being able to laugh at themselves, and Marvel's (real life) sliding timeline-
which says that all of the Marvel Comics stories since 1961's Fantastic Four #1
basically have happened in the past 15 years in the Marvel Universe- basically,
Stan and Jack and everyone else exist in the Marvel Universe as fictional characters. So, basically Stan Lee is still 40-something
in the Marvel Universe. Basically.
Okay. I know that's a lot to wrap your head around;
after all, it is clearly insane. (And
slightly awesome? Maybe? I'm not really certain, honestly.) So anyway, this is a comic written and drawn
by (the real life) Jack Kirby in 1978 about the (fictional versions of the)
original Marvel Bullpen in 1961 becoming the Fantastic Four in (an alternate
version of) the Marvel Universe. So,
like, all the other stuff is the same, there's still Spider-Man, the Avengers,
Dr. Doom, all that shit. But the
Fantastic Four are now a bunch of comic book creators. Late 70's Kirby comics are so crazy, you
guys.
So, Uatu opens
the issue explaining how this quartet became the fabulous FF. Stan Lee is Mister Fantastic, Jack Kirby is a
cigar chompin' Thing, and under-sung Marvel heroes Sol Brodsky and Flo
Steinberg are the Human Torch and the Invisible Girl. Well, Uatu says he'll explain it, but he's a
notorious manipulative liar, so really we just start in media res as the FF are
fighting a cave monster while on the Isle of Dr. Murrow. Sure, why not? The cave troll monster thing beats up
Jack-Thing and Fantasti-Stan, but Invisi-Flo catches him in a force field, and
he promptly knocks himself out by frying his club-blaster into the force field
and it knocking him out when it back fires.
(I can’t believe that is a sentence I just wrote.) Flo recognizes the face of the uncouncious
monster as Dr. Murrow, and while I still have no idea who that is, I accept it
unconditionally. This is an "All
Kirby, All the Time" comic, and the only way to survive those is to just
go with the crazy, man. This shit does not wait around for you to keep up.
After yelling
at his secretary for outthinking him, Fantasti-Stan realizes she's right, and
that somehow one of Dr. Murrow's experiments must have turned him into this
monster. Sol turns up, everyone jokes
that they forgot he was there, and Sol mentions that that seems to happen a lot
recently. Sweet Zombie Jesus, Kirby is
getting even more meta than I thought here.
Anyway, the FF check up on Murrow's lab, which, naturally, is filled to
the brim with Krazy Kirby Machines ®.
They mention that they're looking for a box of some kind. They dig around for a bit, and Flo (as the
only competent member of the team) finds the box, which apparently emits COSMIC
RAYS (you can see where this is going, right?).
Cosmic Rays can penetrate anything (giggle) so Sol heat blasts it until
it melts, so that the group isn't penetrated by them (giggle again).
Apparently the
"'S' People" hid the box in Murrow's lab, and it turned him into a
monster. And these "'S'
People" also had a hand in turning the Marvel staff into super heroes. We
flash back to that fateful day in 1961, when Jack and Stan were discussing a
group of science fiction fans who want to test their wacky experiment at the Marvel
Offices. Sure, why not? Sol and Flo walk in, with a surprise package
sent by a fan. Jack and Sol wonder if
they're cigars. Jack Kirby loved his
cigars, apparently. When opened, the box
contains a strange device that begins emitting a strange radiation (they’re Cosmic
Rays, you guys!) bathing Stan's office and all inside. Naturally, Jack smashes it with his
shoe.
In a move that
surprises no one who read this issue's title, the weird box granted all four of
them the powers of the comic book Fantastic Four. A couple of pages of everyone freaking out
about their new powers ensue. Anyway,
the box had a note on it, saying that "the 'S' People" were
responsible, so now our new FF are on a quest to find them. Then we get a weird page about the Bullpen FF
continuing to make comics of the comic book FF, as a reflection of themselves
or something (like I said, there's some serious metafiction in this
comic). No one knows that the
"Original Bullpen" are also the Fantastic Four, and no one knows why
a replica Baxter Building is sitting in the heart of New York City, but, you
know, whatever.
Anyway, the FF
get back from another off-camera adventure, and they've learned that the
"S" People are space aliens of some sort. Kirby-Thing turns himself back into Jack
Kirby, and the group runs some tests in their secret lab in the fake Baxter
Building. Only, all of this is in the
past, I guess, because we cut back to right after the whole “Dr. Murrow’s Lab”
scene. Meta and time jumping in this
one, kids.
Back in the
present(?), the FF are heading towards Atlantis, because apparently the
"S" People are coming after Namor?
Or something? Whatever. Namor's not a fan, so he blasts the FF's
submarine with a sonic blast that makes them easy pickin’s. With the four of them captured, Namor begins
his interrogation. A cosmic ray box was
left in Namor's bedroom, and he assumes it's the fault of, and I'm quoting
Namor here directly, "Smilin' Stan Lee". I have no idea why, but reading Namor say
that outloud is hilarious to me. The
group tries to explain to Namor that Stan didn't invent the box at all, and
that they came to Atlantis to warn him about the devices, but then shit just
explodes for, like, no reason*, and Namor is more pissed off than ever.
Everyone
fights for a while. Flo tries to be
mature and break up the boy's fighting shenanigans, but it's like 4 guys to 1
girl, and they're not about to listen to reason. Eventually, Stan the Man convinces Namor that
they hate the Cosmic Ray boxes more than anyone, because the boxes gave them
their (awesome) powers. They reveal that
they (somehow) know the boxes were left here by alien invaders, which is handy,
because Namor just happens to have an Extra-Terrestrial Monitor. No, really.
Dude just has one lying around in his garage. Namor has some pimp-ass shit, you guys.
His Extra-Terrestrial
Monitor is some sort of Wheel of Fortune death ray thing, which is great,
except that an extra-terrestrial is in The Very Room They're In, disguised as
one of them, because the extra-terrestrial is a God Damn Skrull. Fuckin' Skrulls man, they just do not know
how to quit. Too bad this alien knocks everyone
out before he reveals himself to be a dirty, no good, shape changing Skrull. So the "S" People? Skrulls.
Every last one of them. They’re
such smug bastards that they basically gave themselves away in
passive-aggressive little notes for, like, no reason.
So, I guess
the Skrulls have been giving people super powers for.... some nefarious
purpose? Except Namor was just playing
possum, he wasn't really knocked out, so he knows the truth now, the bad guys
are Fucking Skrulls. And then he joins
the FF for a Skrull Beat-down. The FF
and Namor team up, catch the fleeing Skrull, and blow him straight to
hell. Frankly, it's a bit
anti-climatic. And that explosion somehow
blows up the super-secret Skrull under water base. So... Stan Lee and crew got powers from
Skrulls, but can't change back, and they're sad. But... you know... whatever.
...
No, really,
that's how this ends. Those last two
paragraphs exhaustively explain the final three pages of the comic. Fucking Skrulls. Those dudes fuck everything up.
Umm. Huh.
Well, that's the end, I guess.
That was a weird comic. Internal
referencing aside, that was... huh. You
know, I read on 4thletter how this issue doesn't really deliver, because once
you get past the initial concept, this is essentially just a basic Fantastic
Four story and really not much more. And
yeah, I kind of agree. It's a weird
concept, and it starts kind of great, but it doesn't really seem to go anywhere
beyond "hey, let's do the Fantastic Four, but starring our friends!" Which is fine, I guess, but not much more
than that. It's mindless fun, and I have
nothing against metafiction. But once
you get past the cover, it is exactly what you've already read, and it doesn't
go beyond that. Which... I don't
know. I guess I was just hoping for
more.
Next time on What
If Wednesday! Marvel's perpetual
sidekick takes center stage! Because
next time we're asked the question: What If Rick Jones Had Become The Hulk?!
*= Or, maybe,
like, Jack-Thing breaks his bounds and punches Namor in the face? Frankly, the panel is not entirely
clear. But the Old Fashioned in my hand
is telling me shit is just exploding for the sake of 'splodin', so I'm going
with that.
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