Truly Terrible Film Reviews: Shattered Spirits
Ah ha! You see
what they did there? Those crafty
writers used the word “spirits” for a title of a movie about alcoholism! Yes! It’s
that sort of brilliant writing chops that will fill this awful, predictable,
and (worst of all) boring film.
Honestly, when I realized there was a made for TV film about drug
addiction starring Martin Sheen, well, I knew it was bound to be
unintentionally hilarious. And about
half the time, it is. And the other half
of the time, it’s just really, really boring.
Oy.
If you think this pun is stupid, congratulations. You are a reasonable human being.
Alright, before we meet Martin Sheen, we meet his
family. None of their names matter, so I
won’t bother with them. There’s his
teenage daughter, who apparently does all the cooking and cleaning in the
house. There’s his wife, who I think was
the mom from Harry and the Henderson’s,
but honestly it’s been too long since I saw that for me to be sure. She doesn’t do much except go to work and
pretend to not ignore her children.
There’s the younger son, who’s good at doing… whatever 9-year-olds
do. I don’t know. And then there’s the loser older son. He’s skipping school, flunking out of
everything, and generally being a moody teenager. He wants to go on a field trip that costs $50
(which, in 1986, probably was more like $100, so man, way expensive!), but his
mom doesn’t think his father will let him, since, you know, he’s a loser who’s
almost dropped out. Martin Sheen comes
home, in a jolly old mood- that is, until he catches his loser son in a blatant
lie. However, they make a deal- if loser
son studies all weekend, he can go on this field trip. Fair, and amicable.
So later, the family is off to the daughter’s concert
(sure, why not), and Martin Sheen is hilariously rocking a tumbler full of
scotch as he gets the whole family into the van. But dirty business is soon afoot, as Martin Sheen realizes that the lawn hasn't been mowed! Martin starts yelling at his older son for not mowing the god damn yard already, and saying that said son can no longer go on the field trip. Now, full disclosure, I wasn't paying that much attention at the beginning, so I'm not really sure if Martin DID tell his son to mow the yard or not. But his son never denies these instructions, and rushes inside to pout. Daughter storms off in annoyance, presumably walking to school (or church, or whatever) to do her solo. The rest of the family all stays in the house, I guess abandoning the daughter? Anyway, older son steals 50$ from his dad's wallet- because he is a bad person- and Martin gets even more ripped and proceeds to mow the hell out of the lawn.
Now, I've done some pretty awesome things, over the years. I've won hearts, completed most noble quests, even beat world leaders at croquet that one time. But I will never, ever in my life be as happy as drunk Martin Sheen is mowing the lawn. There's this hilarious zen quality to it- watching him cackle as he just mows the ever loving shit out of that lawn- watch that scene, an lo, you shall see true happiness. It truly is the highlight of this movie, which is both awesome and unfortunate (because there's a lot more to go).
Anyway, the next day is the younger son's baseball game, and when older son (who's been banned from going on the $50 field trip) doesn't show up to go to the game, Martin Sheen knows something is up. Realizing he's missing a 50, he tracks down the field trip bus and makes older son come with him. At this point, he's angry, but understanding, and although he's not letting his (thieving) son go on the field trip, he tries to consul him by letting him try driving the family van home. This goes well, UNTIL Martin Sheen sees a TAVERN. Dun dun dunnnn!!!!
So yeah. He has his son pull over, and he goes and gets shitfaced for a couple hours. Then, when his son tries to get him to go home, Martin insists that he can't drive (likely true), and tells his learner's-permit-havin'-son to drive home and have his wife come get him (terrible idea)(the son driving home by himself part, not the wife rescuing Martin Sheen part). Well, this is an ISSUES MOVIE, so naturally when the kid tries this, he gets pulled over by the cops, and both father and son end up in jail. It's here where we get our first 100%, no way to argue against it, truly asshole moment from drunk Martin Sheen. He basically forces his son to tell the cops that he stole the van while his dad was inside the bar. They let his son off with a warning, and they let Martin off with a "teenagers, amiright?" Irresponsible of the cops? Sure. But who really cares?
Some time later, it's younger-son's birthday, and someone needs to go pick up the cake. Martin offers to go get it, but he gets distracted by BOOZE. He misses the entire party, and when his family comes to find him later, he eventually turns violent. Back at home, we reach the films climax with Martin Sheen smacking his older son around for a while. From there, it's 30 minutes of denouement as we get a push-pull of "You're an alcoholic!" "No I'm not!" "Yes you are!" "No I'm not!" and some boring family counseling scenes. I could go in to details, but honestly, I don't want to waste your time with it, because it is super-boring.
The film doesn't really resolve, so much as simply end. The kids are taken away, then Martin's forced to move out, and eventually after some AA meetings, he gets to move back in. Only, it's revealed that he's still drinking, at least a little, and.... that's it. Uh, the struggle against his demons of alcoholism goes on, or something? I guess? The End.
Guys. This is a terrible way to resolve a plot. The writers failed Storytelling 101 here. He didn't learn his lesson that "booze is bad" (I assume that was the lesson?), because he's still drinking. And while that may be closer to real life than a lot of movies, it's a bad way to tell a story. We need to resolve the conflict in a story, that's the whole friggin' point! If there's no lesson learned, then what are we, as an audience, supposed to take away from the movie? "Well, that was depressing/boring/stupid/inappropriately funny." Without a final resolution, that's it. Sigh.
But hey, Martin Sheen mowing the lawn while blitzed. Classic.
Now, I've done some pretty awesome things, over the years. I've won hearts, completed most noble quests, even beat world leaders at croquet that one time. But I will never, ever in my life be as happy as drunk Martin Sheen is mowing the lawn. There's this hilarious zen quality to it- watching him cackle as he just mows the ever loving shit out of that lawn- watch that scene, an lo, you shall see true happiness. It truly is the highlight of this movie, which is both awesome and unfortunate (because there's a lot more to go).
Anyway, the next day is the younger son's baseball game, and when older son (who's been banned from going on the $50 field trip) doesn't show up to go to the game, Martin Sheen knows something is up. Realizing he's missing a 50, he tracks down the field trip bus and makes older son come with him. At this point, he's angry, but understanding, and although he's not letting his (thieving) son go on the field trip, he tries to consul him by letting him try driving the family van home. This goes well, UNTIL Martin Sheen sees a TAVERN. Dun dun dunnnn!!!!
So yeah. He has his son pull over, and he goes and gets shitfaced for a couple hours. Then, when his son tries to get him to go home, Martin insists that he can't drive (likely true), and tells his learner's-permit-havin'-son to drive home and have his wife come get him (terrible idea)(the son driving home by himself part, not the wife rescuing Martin Sheen part). Well, this is an ISSUES MOVIE, so naturally when the kid tries this, he gets pulled over by the cops, and both father and son end up in jail. It's here where we get our first 100%, no way to argue against it, truly asshole moment from drunk Martin Sheen. He basically forces his son to tell the cops that he stole the van while his dad was inside the bar. They let his son off with a warning, and they let Martin off with a "teenagers, amiright?" Irresponsible of the cops? Sure. But who really cares?
Some time later, it's younger-son's birthday, and someone needs to go pick up the cake. Martin offers to go get it, but he gets distracted by BOOZE. He misses the entire party, and when his family comes to find him later, he eventually turns violent. Back at home, we reach the films climax with Martin Sheen smacking his older son around for a while. From there, it's 30 minutes of denouement as we get a push-pull of "You're an alcoholic!" "No I'm not!" "Yes you are!" "No I'm not!" and some boring family counseling scenes. I could go in to details, but honestly, I don't want to waste your time with it, because it is super-boring.
The film doesn't really resolve, so much as simply end. The kids are taken away, then Martin's forced to move out, and eventually after some AA meetings, he gets to move back in. Only, it's revealed that he's still drinking, at least a little, and.... that's it. Uh, the struggle against his demons of alcoholism goes on, or something? I guess? The End.
Guys. This is a terrible way to resolve a plot. The writers failed Storytelling 101 here. He didn't learn his lesson that "booze is bad" (I assume that was the lesson?), because he's still drinking. And while that may be closer to real life than a lot of movies, it's a bad way to tell a story. We need to resolve the conflict in a story, that's the whole friggin' point! If there's no lesson learned, then what are we, as an audience, supposed to take away from the movie? "Well, that was depressing/boring/stupid/inappropriately funny." Without a final resolution, that's it. Sigh.
But hey, Martin Sheen mowing the lawn while blitzed. Classic.
Really Terrible film :O
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