Live-Blogging The First X-Men #2: All Wolverine, All the Time!
On a lark, I’m live-blogging my reading of artist Neal Adam’s
latest work, “The First X-Men”. Adams is
an artistic legend in the comic book community, but lately some of his work has
been seen as… odd. By some. Yes, that’s a reasonable assessment. So!
I’m reading it, and commenting as I go, and my friend Patrick is
replying to my descriptions of what’s happening with no further context, just
for laughs. Last time went better than I
expected, really. The plot was pretty
thin, but mostly not awful. So let’s see
what this week’s issue has in store!
Previously on the Neal Adams X-Men Vanity Project Adventure Hour,
Wolverine and his pal Sabertooth decide to save all the mutants. Good times.
They met some girl named Holo who we’ve never heard of before, and then
got told to piss off from a douche Professor Xaiver. Now they’re off to find Magneto to get him to
join their rag tag group!
me: Alright, First X-Men #2
Wolverine has decided to save all
mutants.
Sabertooth decided to help him,
because he's got nothing better to do.
Random dude who's dad knew Wolverine
died, but sort of didn't, after he exploded
Girl named Holo has joined their team
... And will probably die by series
end because we've never heard of her
Professor X is marrying Moira
MacTaggert
And just generally being a dick
Patrick: Holo?
Where do they come up with these names
me: And the W-Men, as you so
aptly put it last time are off to find Magneto and ask him to join them
Patrick: Is she a living
hologram?
me: She projects hologram like
images in people's minds, I guess?
Patrick: That's just lazy naming
me: Well, yes
So, we ready to do this?
Because I have questions, just with
the cover alone.
First off, there are no bad guys on it
Patrick: I'm guessing that's Magneto?
Behind Wolverine throw a car at him
With flowing grey hair
me: Yes.
But everyone is fighting.... someone?
Which begs the question
me: What is up with his hair?
Patrick: lol
me: It's like a mullet hybrid
with Wolverine's hair helmet
Patrick: Yeah I'm not sure
what's going on
me: They're fighting
"someone"
And “Someone” just threw a car door at
Sabertooth's face
Which is funny, but I'm really
confused with what this image is saying
Patrick: I'm guessing that car
door is just magneto multitasking
me: But aren't Sabertooth and
Magneto on the same side?
(Who can tell, anymore?)
me: The Page 1 Recap has the
most amazing sentence I've read all this week in it, though. “Logan is
surprised when the boy he has just found explodes."
That sentence is hilariously
deadpanned.
Patrick: That's a Joker's boner
if I've ever read one
me: lol
Patrick: But honestly... would
Logan be surprised?
me: People doing crazy shit
around Wolverine is pretty much just a Tuesday afternoon, yeah
We open in Colorado, where some dudes
are hunting down a Wendingo.
And a delightful conversation on the
differences between Bigfoot and yetis ensues.
Know your cryptozoology, kids!
Patrick: I thought Wendigo lived
in Canada
What is he doing all the way down in
Colorado
Or is this a different one
me: Apparently I was wrong to
assume the big, white, scary Wendingo-looking dude was Wendingo.
I guess his name is really
"Yeti".
Can you check Wikipedia to see if this
is an obscure X-Man/Alpha Flighter/whatever, or if Neal Adams is making up more
characters to kkill later?
Patrick: once again getting real
creative with names
“The second Yeti was a member of
Weapon P.R.I.M.E., a covert Canadian superhuman team working for Department K,
the agency responsible for the Weapon X project that created the X-Men
character Wolverine.
Both are depicted as huge white beasts
that resemble the Wendigo”
this sounds like our guy?
me: Sounds like
Holy shit, the creature from the black
lagoon just popped out of nowhere with no explanation!
Patrick: Again, though, why
isn't this comic just set in Canada?
If we're going to use all these Canadians?
me: Oh, Holo just created the
black lagoon monster to scare off the Colorado rednecks. Got it.
Patrick: Good old Holo with her
pop culture references
me: Canada is America's hat,
Patrick. We can use it as we like.
Patrick: and Colorado is
America's little Canada?
me: Sure, why not?
Oh man, Holo is even actually calling
out references in dialogue
"Manphibian"
Is that a real movie?
Patrick: no but it is a
character from Marvel comics
Based on the Black Lagoon creature
me: Ah
Patrick: Of course in Marvel,
it's an alien that arrived on Earth 1000 years ago.,..
And so SHIELD needs to capture it
me: Right, naturally
Patrick: But whatever, moving
right along!
me: Holo inexplicably strikes
Sabertooth
I mention this only because there's no
real reason, and the dialogue doesn't really help to clarify
Yeti is looking for his brother, and
Wolverine and crew opt to help him
No mention is made of Operation: Get
Magneto.
me: Yeti's brother is
named "Ben Goldendawn", which doesn't ring any bells for me, but my
X-trivia is good only up through, like, 1982, then it gets muddled
We're suddenly in Virginia!
Where, um, I guess Wolverine's
tracking nose found Yeti's bro, maybe?
Or something?
But the comic says we're in Quantico
now
Why not?
Stuff explodes, and we find the kid
that Wolverine thought was dead, but wasn't.
I'm still very confused on how we got
here from the Rockys.
Patrick: Quantico? What the hell?
me: Says so on the top of the
page, yep.
Patrick: Boom tubes?
me: Sure, why not
Patrick: This sounds like a
series of random events
And not a story but alright
me: Slpopdin' Kid is joining
them too now, obviously. And now the team's eating sandwiches in Upstate
New York!
Patrick: On the road again!
To Magneto?!
me: Nope
Just eating
Patrick: We all know that
Magneto likes to hang out in central park playing chess
So I was just hoping...
me: Apparently Logan's got a
cozy little place up there
Patrick: He has a place
everywhere
me: True
Just not in Virginia
Or Maryland
Or Delaware
Patrick: Because why would
anyone want to live there
me: The closest safe house he
had was in Upstate New York, clearly
(Well, that's a good point...)
Suddenly, Wolvie leaps to murder Holo!
...To, uh, teach her to fight. I
guess.
(While she's trying to enjoy a chicken
leg.)
Patrick: Maybe he just wants her
chicken?
me: Who knows, she spanks his
ass with her psychic powers
Or illusions
Or whatever
Because it is time for a TRAINING
MONTAGE!
Patrick: We need a montage!
Just like in First Class!
me: During which, everyone's
face looks like monkeys!
Oh, wait, that's just this comic, not
the movie
Jesus, this comic really is just
vamping on First Class pretty hard
Patrick: Maybe THIS is what
Wolverine was doing the whole time!
me: Seriously, there's a seen
with Wolverine and Kid Napalm, and it's just like the one with Havok and
Professor X
Complete with fire extinguishers
putting out the explosions remains
Oh, and he finally gets a codename!
You thought the first two were bad,
but are you ready for this?
It's WAAAAY worse
Patrick: You mean it's not Kid
Napalm?
me: Nope
Patrick: Because I kind of like
that
Is that just what you nicknamed him?
me: I'm pretty clever sometimes,
and his real name is not
No, his name, which an editor had to
okay, is....
Patrick: Stop the suspense!
me: "Bomb"
I swear
Patrick: hooboy
Can we back up
And just pretend this never happened
me: Oh thank evil jesus,
Magneto's finally in this comic
Patrick: This stuff is starting
to make Batman odyssey look sane
me: Well, no giant pterosaurs
yet, but here's hoping
Magneto's still in Argentina,
presumably killin' 'Natzis.
Patrick: There's always a chance
for a savage land field trip!
me: true
Patrick: Oh, so once again
Magneto is in South America
Chasing down those Nazi fugitives
me: yes
Patrick: Just like in that
movie!
Although to be fair... he might have
been in Central America in the movie?
me: No, I'm pretty sure it was
Argentina...
Patrick: how does Neal Adams get
work!
me: So, Wolverine and
Sabertooth, to get Magneto's attention and try to get him to join them, decide
the best way is to kill the Nazi that Mags is looking for off camera, and
announce it to him from a helicopter hovering above him
...That's.... Okay, let's just keep
moving
After everyone's threatened everyone
else, they meet on the ground, and Magneto refers to all mutants as
"freaks" more than once
This is kind of off-putting
Patrick: Magneto is a
self-hating mutant
I guess...
Sounds completely out of character
me: Oh boy, I'll touch on that
in a sec
But can we go back to your question
about all these Canucks in America?
Patrick: Well now they seem to
be in Argentina..
me: Wolverine's talking about
the feds cracking down on mutants
and Magneto immediately knows it's the
USA he's talking about here
And everyone's agreeing that
"American feds taking out all us mutants" is bad
But yeah, they're in Argentina
Wolverine and Sabertooth are Canadians
And Magneto is Eastern European
(his nationality varies slightly
depending on the writer)
So... what's the deal?
Patrick: Yeah but before you
know it, America will be invading other countries, killing mutants
Like they ALWAYS do
Wolverine knows this, because he's
being written by someone from the future
me: ... Well, it IS an X-book
I guess that makes as much sense as
anything
Patrick: Is Wolverine going to
run into the Hulk sometime soon?
I feel like that should be happening
around then
me: We can dream
But now, it is time for a FIGHT SCENE
obviously
Magneto won't join them, and he won't
let them leave until they "agree to abandon your suicidal mission!"
(actual dialogue)
So... fighting
Patrick: So he'll kill them instead!
me: That seems reasonable
Yup!
And this fight scene is in a scrap
yard
Advantage: Magneto
But Holo makes him see scenes of being
a 90 year old man in a Concentration Camp
Patrick: Has it ever occurred to
Magneto that he could just control Wolverine to kill all the X-Men?
me: Well, he can't yet
No metal bones
Patrick: Oh, pre Weapon X... right
Me: Yeah.
Patrick: So Holo knows Magneto’s
back story?
me: I guess?
Patrick: She's seen First Class
too, I can assume
me: Magneto is all like "Well,
uh, I was like 7 then, so clearly that was an illusion, and not really me"
And he goes back to knocking the shit
out of all of them
Then Magneto just kind of leaves
Because he's too good for them
And now, an Undisclosed Location!
It's an evil government one, too!
Hey look, it's a young Bolivar Trask!
His superior is all like "giant
robots? That's stupid!"
Patrick: Well... to be honest...
me: You said it, not me
Patrick: Giant purple robots
designed to kill mutants
me: No, we get another maybe
cameo?
Patrick: Gotta love X-Men books,
always full of those cameos
me: a full page spread of some
gross dude, controlling what I assume is Yeti's brother
The gross dude is named "Lyle
Doorne"
codename "Virus"
(No idea if he's new or not)
And, uh... that's the end
Wow.
Last time wasn't great, but... oy
Patrick: Looks like he's new
from as far as I can tell
Which means he'll die too
me: He's on the cover for next
issue too. Great
This book needs stronger editing
Patrick: I feel like Neal Adams
just does whatever he wants
Without supervision
Someone should check him into a
nursing home already
Or he should just go back to drawing
me: Oy!
For the record, blog readers, Patrick said
put Neil Adams in a nursing home, not me
Please, rabid fans, blame him
Patrick: Hey at least I can appreciate
his artwork
me: True
Patrick: Anyway...
me: .... That being said, way
back in X-Men # early 100s or whenever, when the "New X-Men" first
encounter Magneto, shouldn't he have been "Don't I know you?" to Wolverine?
I mean, I know Logan won't remember
any of this because, hey, mindwipe
Same for Sabertooth
But Mags...
Patrick: I'm just assuming this
is all non canon
me: I suppose that's the sane way
to deal with all this
Anyway, I guess that just about wraps
this up
First X-Men #2: Not a very good
comic.
Patrick: no not at all
but when you're rewriting X-Men
history by making Wolverine the star...
me: Also, Mr. Adams, could you
please slow down just a little? Your are should be much, much prettier
than this
I know you can do it, I've seen it
Patrick: Is he doing the
artwork?
me: Yes
And I don't think it's simply a matter
of needing an inker
Not anymore
Until next issue!
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