Power Rangers 2017: An Extremely Drunken Review
Listen, I love lots of things. Cats. Stern brunettes. Turtles. Pizza. Turtles who love pizza, and also do ninja flips and shit, while a giant rat coaches them.
I have a variety of tastes, is my point. And one thing I've always loved is teenagers in weird ass helmets, fighting monsters with karate, then the monster gets giant sized, so they have to summon giant robots to then fight the monster with a big ass sword, the monster explodes, it's totally great. Power Rangers is the perfect show, because it works when you're 6; or when you're 30 and don't want to worry too much about the plot, because you're drinking and you just want background noise.
What I don't like: Super serious, pompous ass super hero films that take themselves super seriously. Like, if you wear a cape or spandex, calm the fuck down. I love superheroes more than it could possibly be healthy for an adult to, but they're a power fantasy, kids. It's fine if you accept that. But, like, it doesn't take a genius to realize Batman is kind of a plutocratic dream come true, and that is NOT a compliment.
And thus, when I learned that last year's Power Rangers reboot film was free on Amazon Prime, well.... I asked around. And basically all my friends agreed I should get really shitty drunk watching it and also I should live blog it, for comedy's sake. So, these are my uncensored thoughts as I watch this movie. Also, my friend (and almost co-host of a podcast that sort of fell apart, unfortunately) Devin is here, to chime in occasionally. Neither of us have seen this yet. Apologies in advance.
POWER RANGERS (2017)
0:30 Umm. First of all, the Cenozoic Era covers the last 66 million years, so, I'm really not sure when this prologue takes place....
3:30 WAIT. We're three minutes in, and we just got a "jacking off a bull" joke that wasn't really a joke.
This is a film for children, right? RIGHT.
4:00 Was that... was that the cow's dick? What the shit?
5:00 I'm not sure that car accident was proportional to how slow they were driving....
6:15 (Devin)*in italics from here on out*: Is he supposed to be a Power Ranger?
(Justin): You mean the old one?
(Devin): No the young one
(Justin) I think that's supposed be Jason.
6:45 We just paused for three minutes to debate why a Power Ranger would jack off a bull, when the franchise already has Bulk and Skull, and if ANYONE in this series would masturbate a bull, it would definitely be those guys. Pretty sure the're not in this film, though.
I think they want to be Star Trek 2009. But boy, did they miss the mark.
8:30 Yes, it is Jason, and no, this movie hasn't learned what we all learned 20 episodes into the original season: Jason is not meant to be a main character.
(But also, don't be shitty to autistic kids, that's just mean)
10:00 This seems more like a prison then detention, but sure, New Kimberly, cut your hair for no god damn reason.
10:10 The only the thing that stands between you and your girlfriend, is autism.
And then inevitably a cooler kid will show up later and steal her, because Green trumps Red
13:00 Devin says he remembers the ankle bracelet from earlier in the movie, I don't, but whatever. I crashed a car in high school,and they didn't give me one of those is my point.
Also, holy shit, an impromptu Faraday Cage? What the what?
I can see the judge going over Jason's case. "Your punishment is detention for a year. And also an ankle bracelet. because."
"I'll teach you to jack off a bull!"
15:00 Still not funny.
Autism! We're gonna celebrate people who have it, by our "hero" having no fucking idea what it is! Hilarious!
(Billy) "I didn't get the joke, my brain doesn't work the same way as yours" No Billy, your brain is fine, it just wasn't funny.
16:00 This film doesn't really know how to introduce new characters, huh?
Also, stop trying to make a Jason-Kimberly romance a thing. That's never gonna be a real thing.
Fanfics will back it up, Jason-Tommy is much more likely.
19:00 Me: "Is Billy building a bomb, or what?"
*Explosion happens immediately*
Me: "Fair enough."
21:00 Emergency chiseling time! Why not!
24:00 A TRAIN LITERALLY JUST RAN THEM OVER. What the hell.
My thoughts- this is a coma dream movie about what Jason thinks happens after his debilitating car wreck.
26:00 And then Jason... woke up? Shit, Devin was right.
No, I now think this is a "Groundhog Day" movie.
***
We take a desperately needed brief intermission at this point. 25 minutes in.
***
If I was watching episodes of Power Rangers, there would have been at least two ninja fights and a giant monster battle by now, and we'd be on a second episode already. Just saying.
I'm beginning to think *free* is the correct price for this movie.
27:00 Toby Maguire did it better
That's an isoteric joke, and I like it!
No, pop culture joke, but yes, it was good.
29:00 *Bullying scene where the bully gets his comeuppance commences*
Still Spider-Man?
Yeah, but this time with a ginger kid, and we all know they don't have souls, so..... kinda deserved it?
30:00 You know, the original Morphers never did stupid shit like this, I'm just saying.
33:00 At risk of being redundant. Are we really still doing Spider-Man?
34:00 Hey, remember on the show, where the Power Rangers apparently could basically fly? Huh. Me neither.
Also, I really wish they'd ship Kimberly and Trini, not Kimberly and Jason.
Honestly, its all about Jason and Billy for me. Not that I really want to see it, but it would be the better story element, I mean, come on. Why did Jason want to help Billy? And who came to Billy's rescue? Who had the real lover's spat? Its already written in the script, just make out already.
37:00 Really esoteric, but this is now a "Sphere" movie.
I never saw it, but I did read the book...
Good book.
38:00 OMG would someone punch Jason in the mouth? UGH
40:00 Would the director please stop raping powerful camera techniques plz.
41:00 Alpha 5 is now, apparently, a tentacle monster. I'm still processing that.
Good news for the ladies, he apparently runs on D-cell batteries.
44:15 I hope they made a whole new language for this movie. I really want to know that a linguist anguished over developing an entire language, so that Bill Hader could yell at Bryan Cranston in it.
At this point, Zordon finally showed up, and we'd be done with 2 full episodes of the TV show,if we were watching it instead of this, yet no super suits yet...
I just noticed, apparently Zordon is the Matrix.
Not just the Matrix! The big Gerber Baby dude at the end of Revolutions!
46:00 I'm really sorry, but at this point, this is just too much.
Thankfully, through Jesus' miracle of autism, Billy can magically explain the plot!
Someone, somewhere, thought that this was how you portray autism in a movie.
***
At this point we take an absinthe shot intermission, to help bring us to the level of the writers.
***
Let me go over the movies that do it better. Spider-Man, Star Trek (2009), Transformers (shudder), Mercury Rising
Breakfast Club
Sphere, Matrix
Matrix Revolutions
And probably Aeon Flux.
47:00 God damn it, New Kimberly. I was on your side until you said "wet wedgie". That's not a thing
Also, what the shit is going on with Rita? I mean, who wouldn't want to make out with Elizabeth Banks, but still...
48:30 Yes, women are all cowards. That's a good life lesson. (Jesus, this movie...)
48:50 (Jason) "How do you know my name?" (Devin as Zordon) "Fuck you"
You're a Power Ranger now, Harry.
GUYS. This movie is really BAD.
50:00 They literally just said "I feel like I was bit by a spider"! *My non-existent Spider-Sense goes crazy*
Yup
53:00 I don't know how to deal with this film. It may have broken me.
Power Rangers was always dumb, but it was also always earnest. That's what this movie doesn't get.
54:30 And now, a masturbation joke, plus more Matrix shit. Hooray.
54:55 (Bill Hader) "Its disturbing, very disturbing" I agree.
And now, this movie is ripping off of Power Rangers, the movie, 1996
58:00 Trini and Kimberley are flirting over cheesecake. More of this please! (I am super serious, they have way better chemistry than Kimberly and Jason)
59:00 RJ Cyler's character is terrible, but his acting is the only good thing in this movie so far.
1:00:00 Someone just died, but we're not entirely sure who. Jason's dad? Billy's mom? Zack's mom? Fuck it, it doesn't really matter. Power Rangers: a kids' show, world famous for it's funeral scenes.
Add Star Wars and X-Men to the roster (X-Men really should've been added before, but I was too hesitant. Oh, the folly)
1:01:00 Halfway through, and we FINALLY get Zords
Someone just died. right?
Yeah, someone.
What is the plot of this movie?
...
...
(silence)
1:01:00 I have web slingers?
1:02:00 Oh good, a fist fight. More great lessons for a kids show, huh?
Add F4ntastic to the list.
1:06:00 Seriosuly, why would you hire Elizabeth Banks, and then do that to her face?
Why Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic, seriously?
(This movie is causing us to an have existential movie crisis on infinite movies... just an FYI)
Silver Surfer is one of my favorite heroes. Of all time. How could you?
(That was actually a different Fantastic Four movie, but let's just go with it...)
1:07:00 = 1990 cgi
109:00 I'm actually impressed with her acting as Rita, fuck the nonbelievers, its not her fault the movie sucks
Yeah, she's great, make-up choices aside
Now we're making fun of AA or something? I mean, we've all done it, but the Power Rangers are better than that... I thought.
1:10:00 Country music is the devil.
1:11:00 So, uh, the teenagers who are the Power Rangers are drinking beer now, I think?
1:12:30 Teen aaaaangst
1:13:00 This is how lesbians make out, right?
WOW, this script is awfully on the nose, huh?
1:14:00 Ok, no joke, Banks is kind of rocking her inner Michelle Pheiffer as a villainess here, I dig it
1:16:00 We're literally 76 minutes into this film, and no one is a superhero yet. Fuck this shit
Where are the evil bird things and ninja fighting?
1:18:00 Billy seems to become less and less socially inarticulate... just another symptom of autism I guess.
1:20 I'd say, hey, action scene! Except the lighting is such shit in this movie...
Also, suddenly, what's with Banks' accent? Everything was better a few minutes ago
1:22:00 I really hope Crispy Cream didn't spend too much on the advertising in this film.
1:24:00 Ahahahaha!!!! This cover of "Stand By Me" in this shit right now!!!
Words fail me, I cannot continue
1:27:00 Jesus, there's only a quarter of this film left, and nothing has happened, all goddamn movie.
Just realized, Zordon is a giant toy with the pins that you push your face into, and make your face.
Add Pacific Rim
1:30:00 This is the longest "It's Morphin' Time" shot I've ever seen, but at least they finally fucking have costumes, 3/4s of the movie in.
Add Armageddon to the list
Jesus, he's right, that was exactly the Armageddon shot. UGH
1:32:00 Goldar used to be a griffin dude, but, uh, now he's a gold monster? But fuck it, we finally get ninja fights. About time!
We add Die Hard, I guess. Lot more Bruce Willis in this movie than I expected
1:35:00 She looks blonder in pink
I have a lot less complaints about this movie, now that things are actually happening
Honestly, if you are watching this movie, just start from the point that they morph, and pretend its a new episode.
(Except when the daddy issues come back up, but moving on)
But if you start it where I told you to, you don't know its his dad, so moot
That's a fair point.
1:41:00 (Jason) "She's back." No, she never went away, idiot. "She's remaining." would be a better line.
1:43:00 Was Goldar just fingering the Mastodon Zord's ass? Because I wouldn't put it past this movie
1:45:00 I know my Megazord transformations, and this was the worst way to make a Megazord ever
1:50:00 (Jason) "Trini now!" Bitch Slap, Activated!
And thus, Rita Repulsa is froze in space forever. I guess....?
1:53:00 Bryan Cranston is too good for this shit...
This movie turned into a dead horse real fast, and I'm surprised I made it this far, to be honest. I guess I got the power.
(That's a joke about the soundtrack, but honestly, it's not worth your effort...)
(No offense, Devin. This movie has hurt us both.)
1:56 Wow, and then that stinger scene.... is really dumb. Thank god there's never actually going to be a sequel to this mess, cuz.... Yeah. It's really bad...
I'd say overall, if you want to enjoy this movie... watch Spider-Man.
Okay, movie over, and we just saved you two hours of your life. If you want a hardcore Power Rangers movie that doesn't suck... there's that one on youtube with Katee Sackhoff. Or if you want only a 2 minute trailer or something, there's the new Shattered Grid trailer with Jason David Frank as an evil Green Ranger, if you want to see a trailer for a comic that I hear is pretty good? Just... wow, skip this movie, at least until the end. It's pretty bad.
I have a variety of tastes, is my point. And one thing I've always loved is teenagers in weird ass helmets, fighting monsters with karate, then the monster gets giant sized, so they have to summon giant robots to then fight the monster with a big ass sword, the monster explodes, it's totally great. Power Rangers is the perfect show, because it works when you're 6; or when you're 30 and don't want to worry too much about the plot, because you're drinking and you just want background noise.
What I don't like: Super serious, pompous ass super hero films that take themselves super seriously. Like, if you wear a cape or spandex, calm the fuck down. I love superheroes more than it could possibly be healthy for an adult to, but they're a power fantasy, kids. It's fine if you accept that. But, like, it doesn't take a genius to realize Batman is kind of a plutocratic dream come true, and that is NOT a compliment.
And thus, when I learned that last year's Power Rangers reboot film was free on Amazon Prime, well.... I asked around. And basically all my friends agreed I should get really shitty drunk watching it and also I should live blog it, for comedy's sake. So, these are my uncensored thoughts as I watch this movie. Also, my friend (and almost co-host of a podcast that sort of fell apart, unfortunately) Devin is here, to chime in occasionally. Neither of us have seen this yet. Apologies in advance.
POWER RANGERS (2017)
0:30 Umm. First of all, the Cenozoic Era covers the last 66 million years, so, I'm really not sure when this prologue takes place....
3:30 WAIT. We're three minutes in, and we just got a "jacking off a bull" joke that wasn't really a joke.
This is a film for children, right? RIGHT.
4:00 Was that... was that the cow's dick? What the shit?
5:00 I'm not sure that car accident was proportional to how slow they were driving....
6:15 (Devin)*in italics from here on out*: Is he supposed to be a Power Ranger?
(Justin): You mean the old one?
(Devin): No the young one
(Justin) I think that's supposed be Jason.
6:45 We just paused for three minutes to debate why a Power Ranger would jack off a bull, when the franchise already has Bulk and Skull, and if ANYONE in this series would masturbate a bull, it would definitely be those guys. Pretty sure the're not in this film, though.
I think they want to be Star Trek 2009. But boy, did they miss the mark.
8:30 Yes, it is Jason, and no, this movie hasn't learned what we all learned 20 episodes into the original season: Jason is not meant to be a main character.
(But also, don't be shitty to autistic kids, that's just mean)
10:00 This seems more like a prison then detention, but sure, New Kimberly, cut your hair for no god damn reason.
10:10 The only the thing that stands between you and your girlfriend, is autism.
And then inevitably a cooler kid will show up later and steal her, because Green trumps Red
13:00 Devin says he remembers the ankle bracelet from earlier in the movie, I don't, but whatever. I crashed a car in high school,and they didn't give me one of those is my point.
Also, holy shit, an impromptu Faraday Cage? What the what?
I can see the judge going over Jason's case. "Your punishment is detention for a year. And also an ankle bracelet. because."
"I'll teach you to jack off a bull!"
15:00 Still not funny.
Autism! We're gonna celebrate people who have it, by our "hero" having no fucking idea what it is! Hilarious!
(Billy) "I didn't get the joke, my brain doesn't work the same way as yours" No Billy, your brain is fine, it just wasn't funny.
16:00 This film doesn't really know how to introduce new characters, huh?
Also, stop trying to make a Jason-Kimberly romance a thing. That's never gonna be a real thing.
Fanfics will back it up, Jason-Tommy is much more likely.
19:00 Me: "Is Billy building a bomb, or what?"
*Explosion happens immediately*
Me: "Fair enough."
21:00 Emergency chiseling time! Why not!
24:00 A TRAIN LITERALLY JUST RAN THEM OVER. What the hell.
My thoughts- this is a coma dream movie about what Jason thinks happens after his debilitating car wreck.
26:00 And then Jason... woke up? Shit, Devin was right.
No, I now think this is a "Groundhog Day" movie.
***
We take a desperately needed brief intermission at this point. 25 minutes in.
***
If I was watching episodes of Power Rangers, there would have been at least two ninja fights and a giant monster battle by now, and we'd be on a second episode already. Just saying.
I'm beginning to think *free* is the correct price for this movie.
27:00 Toby Maguire did it better
That's an isoteric joke, and I like it!
No, pop culture joke, but yes, it was good.
29:00 *Bullying scene where the bully gets his comeuppance commences*
Still Spider-Man?
Yeah, but this time with a ginger kid, and we all know they don't have souls, so..... kinda deserved it?
30:00 You know, the original Morphers never did stupid shit like this, I'm just saying.
33:00 At risk of being redundant. Are we really still doing Spider-Man?
34:00 Hey, remember on the show, where the Power Rangers apparently could basically fly? Huh. Me neither.
Also, I really wish they'd ship Kimberly and Trini, not Kimberly and Jason.
Honestly, its all about Jason and Billy for me. Not that I really want to see it, but it would be the better story element, I mean, come on. Why did Jason want to help Billy? And who came to Billy's rescue? Who had the real lover's spat? Its already written in the script, just make out already.
37:00 Really esoteric, but this is now a "Sphere" movie.
I never saw it, but I did read the book...
Good book.
38:00 OMG would someone punch Jason in the mouth? UGH
40:00 Would the director please stop raping powerful camera techniques plz.
41:00 Alpha 5 is now, apparently, a tentacle monster. I'm still processing that.
Good news for the ladies, he apparently runs on D-cell batteries.
44:15 I hope they made a whole new language for this movie. I really want to know that a linguist anguished over developing an entire language, so that Bill Hader could yell at Bryan Cranston in it.
At this point, Zordon finally showed up, and we'd be done with 2 full episodes of the TV show,if we were watching it instead of this, yet no super suits yet...
I just noticed, apparently Zordon is the Matrix.
Not just the Matrix! The big Gerber Baby dude at the end of Revolutions!
46:00 I'm really sorry, but at this point, this is just too much.
Thankfully, through Jesus' miracle of autism, Billy can magically explain the plot!
Someone, somewhere, thought that this was how you portray autism in a movie.
***
At this point we take an absinthe shot intermission, to help bring us to the level of the writers.
***
Let me go over the movies that do it better. Spider-Man, Star Trek (2009), Transformers (shudder), Mercury Rising
Breakfast Club
Sphere, Matrix
Matrix Revolutions
And probably Aeon Flux.
47:00 God damn it, New Kimberly. I was on your side until you said "wet wedgie". That's not a thing
Also, what the shit is going on with Rita? I mean, who wouldn't want to make out with Elizabeth Banks, but still...
48:30 Yes, women are all cowards. That's a good life lesson. (Jesus, this movie...)
48:50 (Jason) "How do you know my name?" (Devin as Zordon) "Fuck you"
You're a Power Ranger now, Harry.
GUYS. This movie is really BAD.
50:00 They literally just said "I feel like I was bit by a spider"! *My non-existent Spider-Sense goes crazy*
Yup
53:00 I don't know how to deal with this film. It may have broken me.
Power Rangers was always dumb, but it was also always earnest. That's what this movie doesn't get.
54:30 And now, a masturbation joke, plus more Matrix shit. Hooray.
54:55 (Bill Hader) "Its disturbing, very disturbing" I agree.
And now, this movie is ripping off of Power Rangers, the movie, 1996
58:00 Trini and Kimberley are flirting over cheesecake. More of this please! (I am super serious, they have way better chemistry than Kimberly and Jason)
59:00 RJ Cyler's character is terrible, but his acting is the only good thing in this movie so far.
1:00:00 Someone just died, but we're not entirely sure who. Jason's dad? Billy's mom? Zack's mom? Fuck it, it doesn't really matter. Power Rangers: a kids' show, world famous for it's funeral scenes.
Add Star Wars and X-Men to the roster (X-Men really should've been added before, but I was too hesitant. Oh, the folly)
1:01:00 Halfway through, and we FINALLY get Zords
Someone just died. right?
Yeah, someone.
What is the plot of this movie?
...
...
(silence)
1:01:00 I have web slingers?
1:02:00 Oh good, a fist fight. More great lessons for a kids show, huh?
Add F4ntastic to the list.
1:06:00 Seriosuly, why would you hire Elizabeth Banks, and then do that to her face?
Why Miles Teller as Mr. Fantastic, seriously?
(This movie is causing us to an have existential movie crisis on infinite movies... just an FYI)
Silver Surfer is one of my favorite heroes. Of all time. How could you?
(That was actually a different Fantastic Four movie, but let's just go with it...)
1:07:00 = 1990 cgi
109:00 I'm actually impressed with her acting as Rita, fuck the nonbelievers, its not her fault the movie sucks
Yeah, she's great, make-up choices aside
Now we're making fun of AA or something? I mean, we've all done it, but the Power Rangers are better than that... I thought.
1:10:00 Country music is the devil.
1:11:00 So, uh, the teenagers who are the Power Rangers are drinking beer now, I think?
1:12:30 Teen aaaaangst
1:13:00 This is how lesbians make out, right?
WOW, this script is awfully on the nose, huh?
1:14:00 Ok, no joke, Banks is kind of rocking her inner Michelle Pheiffer as a villainess here, I dig it
1:16:00 We're literally 76 minutes into this film, and no one is a superhero yet. Fuck this shit
Where are the evil bird things and ninja fighting?
1:18:00 Billy seems to become less and less socially inarticulate... just another symptom of autism I guess.
1:20 I'd say, hey, action scene! Except the lighting is such shit in this movie...
Also, suddenly, what's with Banks' accent? Everything was better a few minutes ago
1:22:00 I really hope Crispy Cream didn't spend too much on the advertising in this film.
1:24:00 Ahahahaha!!!! This cover of "Stand By Me" in this shit right now!!!
Words fail me, I cannot continue
1:27:00 Jesus, there's only a quarter of this film left, and nothing has happened, all goddamn movie.
Just realized, Zordon is a giant toy with the pins that you push your face into, and make your face.
Add Pacific Rim
1:30:00 This is the longest "It's Morphin' Time" shot I've ever seen, but at least they finally fucking have costumes, 3/4s of the movie in.
Add Armageddon to the list
Jesus, he's right, that was exactly the Armageddon shot. UGH
1:32:00 Goldar used to be a griffin dude, but, uh, now he's a gold monster? But fuck it, we finally get ninja fights. About time!
We add Die Hard, I guess. Lot more Bruce Willis in this movie than I expected
1:35:00 She looks blonder in pink
I have a lot less complaints about this movie, now that things are actually happening
Honestly, if you are watching this movie, just start from the point that they morph, and pretend its a new episode.
(Except when the daddy issues come back up, but moving on)
But if you start it where I told you to, you don't know its his dad, so moot
That's a fair point.
1:41:00 (Jason) "She's back." No, she never went away, idiot. "She's remaining." would be a better line.
1:43:00 Was Goldar just fingering the Mastodon Zord's ass? Because I wouldn't put it past this movie
1:45:00 I know my Megazord transformations, and this was the worst way to make a Megazord ever
1:50:00 (Jason) "Trini now!" Bitch Slap, Activated!
And thus, Rita Repulsa is froze in space forever. I guess....?
1:53:00 Bryan Cranston is too good for this shit...
This movie turned into a dead horse real fast, and I'm surprised I made it this far, to be honest. I guess I got the power.
(That's a joke about the soundtrack, but honestly, it's not worth your effort...)
(No offense, Devin. This movie has hurt us both.)
1:56 Wow, and then that stinger scene.... is really dumb. Thank god there's never actually going to be a sequel to this mess, cuz.... Yeah. It's really bad...
I'd say overall, if you want to enjoy this movie... watch Spider-Man.
Okay, movie over, and we just saved you two hours of your life. If you want a hardcore Power Rangers movie that doesn't suck... there's that one on youtube with Katee Sackhoff. Or if you want only a 2 minute trailer or something, there's the new Shattered Grid trailer with Jason David Frank as an evil Green Ranger, if you want to see a trailer for a comic that I hear is pretty good? Just... wow, skip this movie, at least until the end. It's pretty bad.
Comments
Post a Comment