Friday, January 3, 2014

Elisha is Not to be Mocked: A Tale of Balding and Bears

I've made fun of Biblical prophets a bunch of times before, for a bunch of reasons. They're usually self-proclaimed, often incompetent, and they are all usually hobos.  Also, prophecy is a bullshit concept, and I'm a rather notorious skeptic of religion based on hobo-induced fear mongering.  But this story is probably supposed to teach me the error of my infidelic ways, because trust me, this Elisha guy?  HE DOES NOT FUCK AROUND.

So, Elisha was basically the Robin to Elijah's Batman. Now, lots of people would mean that in a negative, second-fiddle kind of way.  That's because most people are idiots. "Robin" is the preferred role, trust me.  You see, if you were Robin, you would get to spend all your time hanging out WITH BATMAN.  If you're Batman, you have to spend all your time PUTTING UP up with Robin.  Take that, everyone who is wrong.  (I will note that I didn't come up with that argument myself.  But it's a damn good point.)

Also, Batman chose each Robin in various ways, all based on several merits and usually with an inherent desire to save them from ending up like himself, a child left alone by tragedy.  Elijah chose his Robin by sitting alone in a cave for a while until the voices in his head told him to make this guy he'd never met his successor.  But hey, prophets are hobos, as we have established.  No point quibbling over their mad non-logic.

Sorry, I'm getting off track with Batman analogies.  Anyway, Elijah went up in a flaming chariot to Heaven, and Elisha was the new head prophet dude in Judea.  He went on to perform all sorts of miracles and got rid of all the dysentery in Israel by inventing soda water (or something); you know, the sorts of things your Old Testament prophets are supposed to do even though they are impossible.  There's also a good bit of local sectoral violence he gets involved with, but again, Old Testament, this is to be expected.

Except for this one time, when things got super hardcore.  And not to editorialize any more than usual, but wow, things really, really get out of hand in this little romp.

One day Elisha was out in the town, on his way to some holy site, or maybe off to heal the sick, or bless some faction in whatever petty local dispute happened to be going on at that moment- boring, typical daily activities in a holy prophet's line of work.  Only this particular day, Elisha was accosted. By a horde of children.

Children who were making BALD JOKES ABOUT HIM.

Couple of things here:  First of all, man, Elisha, I get it.  Children are The Worst.  Like, there are a couple kids that amuse me and I like them well enough, and I definitely look forward to watching them morph from being vaguely mischievous into being full on terrible (like myself).  But as a general concept?  Yes.  Children are terrible.  Just awful. Cruel, nasty, fowl-mouthed little monkeys.  A pox upon them.

Second, I know dick all about being bald.  I mean, my hair is amazingly thick. Hair scientists have asked me to donate some of it so that they can unlock the secret of its lush fullness.  (I told them I'd be happy to, once they paid my $100,000 finder's fee.  We're still in negotiations.)  So I have no idea what it feels like to be mocked for hair loss.  It must be horrible, and I pity the lesser men who have to deal with the slings and arrows of those insults.  Especially when the insults are made by children.  Who are horrible.

But holy shit, Elisha takes getting offended to terrifying new heights.  I mean, even if these kids were making bald jokes on an Uncle Grandfather level, they couldn't deserve what happens next in this tale.  This guy DOES NOT take being insulted for follicular failure very well.


This Uncle Grandfather.  Not whatever that new shit on Carton Network is.

For having dared to insult his male pattern baldness, Elisha calls down the wrath of God himself to smote these sons of bitches who, I remind you, are like 8.  For mocking his topee-needing cranium, Elisha demands that the Lord God smites him some tweens right this damn minute.  (It must have been the worst comb-over in the history of forever.)

And because God is a notorious asshole who finds this hilarious, he obliges in the most over the top way anyone could imagine.  God sends two lady-bears to murder the hell out of these little brats, right goddamn now (Why the story is oddly specific about the gender of the bears, I have no idea.  But it is very clear on them having bear vaginas, a phrase I have never typed before in my life.).

And so, the bears murder 42 children for the sin of making bald jokes at God's current favorite hobo.

Clearly, this is a situation warranting murder-by-bear.

This is how the story ends.  42 children, eaten by bears.  Over a joke that could have been avoided with a proper wig, if Elisha was so damn ashamed about his hair loss.  Also, if God loved Elisha so much that he give him super powers and stuff, you'd think fixing his hair situation would have been easy.  But no, God reverts to indiscriminate murder of total innocents, yet again.

I have nothing further to add.  Child murdering bears.  Over a bald joke.  And remember, Elisha and God are supposed to be the good guys in this story.

2 comments:

  1. Found this by searching for "prophet elisha is a fucking asshole"

    This was one of many bible stories that made me renounce the whole damn thing.

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